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Are You a Victim or a Creator?

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live your best life

By Sophie Fuzi, Holistic Life Coach

There are two significant mindsets that we build our worldview on: We are either The Victim or The Creator

Since childhood, my passion was to have self-awareness and how life shaped me and also to talk to people from all walks of life to learn about their thoughts, motivations, desires, and fears so that I could see how experiences changed them.  The more people I talked to and the more I learned about them, it became evident that the main difference between someone who turns their dreams into reality and people who are stuck with their life is their attitude.   How people interpret the events of their life becomes their beliefs, and their beliefs are what determine if they will live their dreams or not. 

How do victims see the world?

how to overcome victim mentalitly

The Victims believe that they are the sufferer of their circumstances and do not have the power to bring about a change in their world. When it comes to their problems,  they blame politicians, family, country, the media, or anything outside of them.   They are unhappy with their lives, but it is someone or something else’s fault.  The truth is they are happy to feed on others’ attention as they complain, and they feel comfortable to stick to this stage.  Blaming others is easy and requires no effort.

How do creators see the world?

law of creation

 The Creators, on the other hand, understand that, to a large degree, they are in control of their lives.  They don’t blame others for their shortcomings or wallow in self-pity when things don’t go their way.  They   analyse and observe their difficulties from all angles and are willing to change their perspective and behaviours  to get closer to success.

 The Creators don’t get stuck by taking everything personally,  they can detach themselves from the level of ego and, through their continuous observations grow their understanding of the connectedness of life on a deeper level with their experience. 

Why is perspective so important?

 The reason why I place this as the most important lesson that I have learned in life is that: The quality of our lives depends on which of these two positions we take most.

Victims often find themselves in a pattern where every day feels the same, and life seems to be passing them by.   Time goes by, and they feel like nothing has been accomplished or achieved.  They have excuse after excuse but not one legitimate reason.   

On the other hand,  the Creators choose to be proactive.  They learn to take the lead of their life and “sail their own boat” in the direction they want to explore.    Therefore they are full of experiences that fulfill their desires at that moment in time.

How can you become a creator in your life

What is the key element to step into the Creator mindset? To mature and take responsibility for one’s decisions and the consequences that come with them. It is not always easy to take responsibility but that is the difference between the victim and the creator. 

Believe that your life is created by the decisions you make.

Sometimes the smallest choice that we pick out of the many creates the biggest effect on our life: For no reason, you decide to take a different route to work, which creates a whole different path for the day.  If you took your normal road, you could have been a fatal accident, but since you didn’t, you arrive safely.

Many people talk about listening to their intuition, and it somehow saved their life or created for some amazing circumstances which never would have happened otherwise. The opposite can also happen when a  seemingly small choice leads to misfortune.

These types of choices are not the ones we actively have control of.  They are a matter of the ‘laws of nature’ or fate.  

Our habits, the decisions we make every day are the ones that shape our reality.  When we continuously eat more calories than we use up, it is almost sure that we will gain weight over time. If we put effort into learning something new, this skill will evolve and grow over time. If we drive recklessly, we have an increased chance of getting into legal troubles,  having an accident, killing someone else, or dying ourselves.  

Regardless of what we choose in our daily life, we shape our world. Each decision adds to our future, whether it’s going to blossom with new opportunities or feeling beat up by life, becoming tired and moody.

So how do you know how to make tough decisions?

  • Use your common sense!

There are so many outcomes that you can predict if you look at your choices by adding your common sense to it! We dislike using that part of our sensibility because many times, it goes against our desires, and we ‘want to control an outcome’ so we overlook logic and reason and focus on emotion.

  • You can’t fill an inner void with outer things.

The ego runs in a continuous loop that keeps telling us we need things (outside of us) to finally become happy/successful/content/etc… but it never seems to last very long. So we keep creating cycles when we run after stuff/goals to achieve to make ourselves feel good within ourselves because we aren’t present with ourselves and grateful at this present moment. When it is the case, we can never succeed the way we want to because the only thing how we can fill our internal void is to turn to ourselves.

  • Use your intuition!

Trust yourself.  When you have an intense sensation within you about what you should choose to do it is usually in alignment with the deepest parts of you.  This will create positive changes in your life in the long term. Sometimes what we sense on this level seems illogical but somehow, these deep internal suggestions connect us with those events we wish to experience.  

  • Understand what you want and why you want it!

Sounds very obvious, and still, many of us can only articulate what we do not wish to have and experience in our world. Only when we know what we want and what it means to us, we can choose the choices that take us closer to get there.

No wind supports a sailor who doesn’t know where he wants to go or only knows where he does not want to end up.

It is not what you find in life, but what you make out of it what matters!

I have heard once that the best chef is one who can make a tasty dish out of the ingredients he finds at home. I agree, and I love to apply this method in my world. We like to believe what we have is not enough to create something amazing, so we keep looking outside. But the thing is that all of us already have enough to create something extraordinary! I believe that bringing the best out of what we already have is the attitude that can serve us best in the world to keep ourselves not only grateful but also inventive and open-minded when it is about new elements that come to our world.

It is easy to get lost in the options that are in front of us if we have no idea what are the things that really “float your boat” or what “crumbles your cookies.”  We all have heard stories about lottery winners who found themselves miserable, or talented people who wasted their life getting sucked into addictions, or people who have incredible luck and opportunity but were too damn afraid to take it.  

“Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, on things they don’t need, to impress people they don’t like”  Will Rogers

 

Because no amount of money can help a person to become truly happy if they can’t connect with others, or have low self-esteem, or no real sense of purpose to live an authentic life.  For this person, money is only lending them an illusion that is attractive to others, but it is a temporary fix to a deeper, permanent problem.

Money can be wonderful; the difference is that a truly happy person does not connect their self-worth or their deep fulfillment to the money or material things.  A balanced person relies on his personal skills and capacities as a priority to create their life and can creatively make use of the elements that are in his surroundings. They do not get scared if he needs a doorstop but doesn’t have one; instead, they look around and find something that will serve the purpose and continues the project.

In short, when we know what we are doing and why we are doing it, the world provides us an easy way to fulfill our desires. All we need to do is to open our senses and notice them!

 ‘How  can you be fully in peace with who you are at this moment in time?’

There is no better question to ask when turning from victim to creator. 

learn the art of self love

It all boils down to self-acceptance.   This isn’t the kind of self-acceptance you proclaim to your therapist when they ask you, ‘Do you love yourself?’.  In which case, of course, you say ‘Yes!’.

By true self-acceptance, I mean when your heart is fully involved, and you have no lumps and bumps regarding this question on the level of feelings and sensation.

Self-love is not a face-mask with a never-ending smile or a continuous can-do attitude.

 It is the deep and peaceful inhalation and exhalation about our existence. 

It is having an awareness of our strengths and weaknesses with knowing that everything is as it should be here and now while experiencing inner-peace.

                The real self-acceptance is very difficult because

  1. We were conditioned to believe that we must act in specific ways to have the acceptance/love/care of others.
  2. We continuously compare ourselves to the standards set by the world, forgetting that we see only the best of others and compare it to the worst of ourselves.

Read: Looking at Life Through a Lens of Self-Love

The person who embraces themselves ignores the opinions of the world and listens and acts to their inner voice. They are aware there may be negativity, but they do not let that negativity determine their dreams and desires. They do not act according to other’s standards or view themselves through other’s lenses.  Their state of being comes from their heart over their head, and they feel connected to their core and authentic being.  

How does low self-acceptance influence your decisions?

Here are two examples:

overcome limiting beliefs

Beliefs:

  • When you have a negative and unrealistic image about yourself, it affects your decisions. For instance, you wish you could learn to dance, but you are shy because you think that your moves are gawky, so you talk yourself out of taking lessons.  

Feelings:

  • When you have low self-esteem, it is tough to let go of a relationship that does not give you value any longer.  Why? First, you are likely feeding off each others’ energy, and you are scared to be alone. 
  • In healthy relationships, you stay because you WANT to be there and not because you NEED to be, or are afraid to not be.  
how to achieve goals

Your interpretation of life events:

People with low self-acceptance tend to project their insecurities in their body language, speech patterns, and social skills.   Everything they hear, see, and experience must pass through a “negative” filter and ends up being interpreted in a negative way that will mirror the same negative feelings that they have.  

With healthy esteem, they see the world for what it is.  They can observe events without internalizing them or taking them personally and emotionally.   They learn from things that go awry and revise their strategy to adapt to reality.  

The state of our self-acceptance is within all of our actions/reactions and determines how we act.  We can choose to settle for less than what we dream of OR we can dare to go for it and allow ourselves to enjoy our world by living true to ourselves.   This is much better than choosing to never measure up to other’s standards and go through life with the weight of the world placed on our back.

Embracing yourself fully from your heart is the entrance for creating a quality life for yourself where you enjoy your creations. No work for this is a waste of time!

learn to laugh at yourself

Oh, and one last thing…..

Don’t forget to laugh!

Becoming an adult is not easy and being one isn’t either!

With several responsibilities such as family, work, friends, etc… on our shoulders, it is easy to get stuck in a rut.  Don’t let life become a heavy burden.  Remember to have fun and enjoy the experience.   Be a creator, but don’t forget to enjoy the silly little ways of life that are non-sense and holds no weight in their results. 

Blow soap-bubbles with your kids, or make up funny stories with them and laugh together! Go to a comedy show, or watch a movie that makes you laugh with your partner, then talk gibberish while you tickle them in the bed!

Most importantly, don’t take yourself too seriously.   Remember to laugh at anything, especially at yourself sometimes! The world will keep spinning, no matter what.

About Sophie Fuzi, Holistic Life Coach

From Hungary, ‘Be Real! Life Coaching’ has been her dream her whole life. Always interested in learning how people make sense of the world and form their adult perspectives, she believes the key to true happiness lies in fully accepting oneself exactly as they are. 

Book Recommendations

atomic habits
Create good habits, break bad ones, and get 1% better every day!
Whole Again
Toxic relationships leave scars. This book shows how to work through these symptoms and find love on the other side.

5 Essential Steps to Success

Career & Business, coaching, Health & Wellness, Life Coach Library, Personal Growth & Spirituality
essential steps to success

What are the steps to success? First, it depends on what your definition of success is.  Is it getting rich?  Finding the love of your life?  Reaching a goal? There are many definitions of the word, but the one common theme is clearly defining what it is you want and then being proactive to get it.

Here are  5 essential steps to find success:

 

Be True to Yourself

Whatever your goals are make sure they are in line with your values and not someone else’s.    Ask yourself what do you truly want? Pay attention to your inner self and notice if you start telling yourself you “should” or “shouldn’t” want something.   That’s a red flag that it’s someone else’s goal and not yours. 

As you explore possibilities of what you really want, notice your self-talk.   Are you telling yourself you can’t do it or it’s not possible?   Question the validity of those  beliefs.   Are they true and do they serve you? Or are the self-limiting beliefs based on fear or lack of confidence that are getting in the way of pursuing your own happiness.

Don’t be afraid to go outside the norm.   Someone had to assemble the first rock-band.  If they didn’t, we’d still be listening to classical music.  People thought Bill Gates and Steve Jobs were both crazy and they have revolutionized how the world lives.  You may be nervous about your ideas but meet your fear with confidence and courage and you’ll be amazed at what unfolds once you start. 

Create a vision 

Think about all areas of your life.   For most people, the list includes things such as family, career, health, personal growth, spirituality, and finances.  Think about where you’d like to be in all areas of life a year from today.

how to create a vision

Having a vision is only the start.  A vision means nothing if not followed by action.  Too many people focus on the end-goal without giving serious thought about what they need to do and who they need to be to get there.   

For each part of your life, set one meaningful goal that will have the greatest impact.  Prioritize which goals are most important to you.    If your goals are set for one year, think about what needs to happen in one month to get there.  Then break down what needs to happen in one week to achieve your monthly goals.  The words best goal setting modal is  the SMART goal strategy.   The more specific your goals and strategy are the greater your chances of success are. 

Exercise self-discipline  

One of the most critical parts of staying motivated through the ups and downs of everyday life is remembering WHY you want something.   Reaching the goal itself is not what you’re really after, it’s the impact that it will have on your life that is what you are really chasing.    

As you plan your day (s), make goal oriented decisions.   There is no single action that will have a profound effect finding success.   Success comes from hundreds of tiny actions, repeated consistently over time.    Learn how to be selfish with your time.    Figure out how to eliminate distractions and accept that there will be times when you just have to say “no” to others so that you can stay focused.  Ask yourself what you are willing to sacrifice to actualize your dream and learn how to ask for help and delegate tasks when needed.

Focus on your strengths.  One mistake many people make is spending too much time trying to improve on their weaknesses.  Find someone who is strong where you are weak and get better at what you are naturally good at.   It’s far sweeter to be great at one thing than mediocre at five. 

Be ready to deal with change

how to deal with change

The road to success is not lined with unicorns and cotton-candy.  Things are not going to go according to your plan.   Don’t let the unexpected knock you down or deflate your enthusiasm, just deal with it.  As we are all acutely aware, the world is in constant flux and there is so little we can do about it.   The only part we can control is our responses to each circumstance.   Persevere and be resilient and adaptive.   Whenever there is a problem, a solution exists somewhere.  Learn how to find solutions.  Turn problems into games and you’ll relieve yourself of unnecessary stress and angst.   Believe that some of the best things come from some of the worst things and look for the positives. 

If it feels like failure, look at it as a learning opportunity.  No one is wildly successful on their first attempt at anything.  Learn, adjust, and carry on.  If you can’t figure out what went wrong or what the next step is, ask someone who has been successful.  

Stay open-minded and ask for help!

Sometimes it’s hard to know when to stick with a plan or to change your strategy and try something else.   The key is to be deeply honest with yourself and ask yourself empowering questions.  

Here are a few examples:

                        Is there another way to look at this?

                        Is there a better way to do this?

                        Am I afraid?  If so, what of?   How can I overcome it?

                        What did I learn?  How will I adjust?    

When you deepen your understanding of what is happening you can invest your energy in what is working avoid burnout. 

Don’t go it alone!   No one gets a gold medal for doing things all by themselves and most people who are successful have teams of people that have helped them get there.  Try to surround yourself with positive minded people.   Look for people who have what you want and find out how they got there.  Sometimes friends and family mean well, but even if they are well-intentioned, they aren’t always the best allies for us to move forward. 

You’ll go much further when you collaborate with others and here’s why:   You’ll likely have different strengths and weaknesses and can fill in for each other.  Someone who is objective is better able to see your “blind spots” and help you gain a fresh perspective on things.   They’ll help you brainstorm ways to overcome obstacles and they are able to hold you accountable.  Just having someone who knows you and what you want to achieve is powerful because you can’t make excuses.   These are the things that life-coaches are professionals at doing.

What is your top goal right now?    What is your plan?   Can you get there on your own? Time and repetition are the key.   Every small step today eventually becomes something massive in the future.   

To all My Girlfriends Managing Depression during the COVID-19 Crisis

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manage depression during covid 19

(My guy friends too…I love you all! Some ideas will apply to everyone, others not so much. Hopefully, the ones that don’t will inspire something that will! 😉 )

The ripple effects of COVID-19 are impacting us all, and this is a difficult time for everyone right now.   For those who suffer from depression, anxiety, or any mental illness, it is crucial to pay equal attention to staying healthy emotionally as much as it is physically.

Getting stuck in a rut is possible for all of us, here are some tips to stay well amidst the shutdown.

Tips to Combat Depression Right Now

1. Turn the downtime into a positive!  It’s easy to get sucked into all of the negativity around us right now, especially for people who tend to be predisposed to it.   Perspective is everything.  If you look at this as inconvenient, frustrating, scary, and stressful, IT WILL BE! However, if you look at it as an opportunity to rest, regroup, catch up with the little things that you’ve been meaning to get to for weeks if not months, it can be a welcomed reprieve.   Make a conscious decision to think and stay positive throughout the day, even if you have to “fake it until you make it” when you change the way you think, and you will change the way you feel.

2, Make a list of all of the things you wish you could get done but never seem to have the time to.     Clean your closet? Organize your drawers? Paint a room? Detail your car? Weed the garden?  Write letters/email? Give the dog a bath? Sure there will be things on that list you can’t do right now for any number of reasons.   Don’t fixate on those; there’s circumstances you cannot control.   However, I’ll bet money that you can come up with better than 5 things you can with what’s available to you right now.  

 If these tasks sound mundane, refer to #1 and turn them into a game.  If you’re cleaning out the closet, why not put unwanted stuff up for sale on eBay, Postmark, or Facebook?    You may not get rich, but the extra bucks may come in handy or justify a whimsical spend.  Make it a game, see (example) how many weeds you can pull in one minute.   Try to beat your record the next minute.    Sort through old photos and have a “reunion party” with all the pics and other stuff you find. The nostalgia might just perk you up. Ultimately too much idle time can lead to depression funks.   It’s not required to be busy every moment, but the key is to stay engaged in life and not check out.

How do you take care of yourself?

3. Bump up your self-care routine.   One of the first things that go out the window for people with depression is self-care.  Now is a time you need yourself the most, please do not abandon you.   Everyone has their own definition of self-care.   These below fall into the pampering/spa category, which may not be for everyone.  They are positive ways to stay present with the “self” and really do leave a girl feeling nurtured and loved, by the one who needs to nurture and love her the most…HERSELF. 

Give yourself a facial:  fancy products are fun, but you don’t need to break the budget and go buy them.  Simple ingredients like oatmeal, eggs, some dairy products can create an excellent mask.   Google is your friend, search for DIY masks, and you’ll find one that appeals to you.

Exfoliate the body:  Banish winter dryness and imagine any inner “yuck” going down the drain with it.   Again, Google is your friend, and there are simple DIY scrubs you can make from sugar and oil that will get the job done nicely.   

Deep condition your hair: When is the last time you took the time to fortify the locks?  Salon products are great, but so is olive or coconut oil.  Add heat.   No cap? Try aluminum foil. Yes, it looks ridiculous, but no one is going to see you, although you probably want to refrain from selfies. 

Be more rigorous in your brushing and flossing routines.   Vanity aside, keeping your mouth clean is as essential to your health as washing your hands.   Seriously. 

Light some candles and take a bubble bath.  

Whatever self-care means to you, kick it up a notch, you’ll feel better about you! 

4. Get dressed already!   Pajama days are great; I love them too!   Try and limit them to no more than 1-in-a-row.   It’s easy to fall into a funk when you’re not having to suit-up and show up for work or you can’t even leave the house and interact with people.   Crisis or not, the world does not stop spinning, and life goes on with or without you.   Do your best to show up and play the part., even if that part seems smaller right now. You don’t have to put on a professional outfit, but don’t live in jammies or sweats until the crisis ends. 

Keep your mind active, learn something new!

5. Learn something!    Make a list of 10 things you’ve wondered about.   The pyramids in Egypt; the life span of birds; how to make bread; how to change a tire; the lives of famous musicians/actors.  Whatever it is that sparks your curiosity, write it down.   Take one at a time and really learn about it.   Read articles, listen to podcasts, maybe find a documentary.   Spending hours online with mindless interaction on social media typically won’t leave you feeling fulfilled, Learning will. When we learn, we grow, and staying in a forward-thinking and growth mindset helps to combat depressions in both the short and long term.  

6. Listen to or read something that inspires you.   There’s not a whole lot of uplifting news in the mainstream right now.  It’s a good time to seek it out actively.   There’s a plethora of inspirational talks on YouTube.    A simple search term “inspirational” will get it done.   Read an inspiring story or listen to an audiobook.  Not sure what to read?   Here’s a page of inspirational reads recommended by our life coaches.   Most are available for instant download.  

Here are three of personal faves: you are a badass Time Warriors Steve Chandler GIRL WASH YOUR FACE RACHEL HOLLIS

Feeling inspired?  Make a vision board.  Psychologists agree that vision boards improve motivation, and motivation is not compatible with depression.   Your board will help you remember your “why,” and that will enhance your sense of purpose.   

A great way to start is to simply set some goals.   You can set a specific goal using the SMART goal structure or just take a piece of paper and make 3 columns.   In the first column, write everything you would love to get done by this time next year.   In the second column, write what needs to happen in the next month to be on track for the yearly goal.   In the last column, write down what you can do TODAY to meet your monthly goal.  If you’re not moving forward you might be moving backward, keep trudging forward.

7, Nurture your inner child and play: Do something to balance out binging on Netflix, social media, and video games.   If you are going to binge-watch, try and find something light, funny, and uplifting.  Go ahead and watch Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones for the umpteenth time too, but add something light in the mix sometimes.   On some level, we become what we continuously watch and hear.

Binge-watching or all-day video games in moderation isn’t necessarily bad but balance it out with something that does not involve an LCD screen.  Doing things that come from you and utilize your abilities are much better when it comes to keeping depression at bay.  

How do you like to play? Write stories or poems? Draw? Color?    Paint? I personally love art but I am not so gifted.   Therefore, I am quite drawn to adult coloring books and paint by numbers.   They are fabulous for tapping into one’s creativity and staying balanced.    Try journaling.   We are making history right now.  Whatever age you’re at, either you or someone else will be fascinated by hearing your testimony to living through the COVID-19 crisis. 

Don’t got it alone, break the isolation

8. Don’t let yourself become isolated:   Sometimes easier said than done when one battles depression but is super important to stay tethered and connected to the world.     Pick up the phone and call friends or family members.  Better yet, SKYPE.  Not everyone is comfortable with video, but try and remember it’s not about how anyone looks on camera, it is about being present with other human beings.   Too much time in ones one head can spiral downward, so it’s essential to keep a strong support network.  Be honest with trusted others about how you feel.    No one is expected to have their “happy-face” on all the time right now.  Don’t be afraid to express yourself, good or bad. 

9. Reach out to someone who may be in need.  Nothing lifts the spirits more and gives one a sense of purpose than helping another.   Whether it’s an elderly neighbor who needs you to run to the grocery store, a friend who is in relationship hell or another person who is just stressed out from the news, be the light of their day.   Offer yourself to help or be a shoulder to lean on.  Let it be all about them; your turn can come later if need be.  Getting outside of the self will boost your mood and leave you feeling fulfilled.

Total wellness = healthy body, mind and soul

10. Eat well.  Its easy to get into some funky eating habits when we’re stuck inside, and the produce department at the grocery store is suddenly barren.  It seems so acceptable to give in to cravings   because the truth is life is just a bit challenging right now and comfort food can take the edge off.  Just be mindful of what you’re putting in your body and try to make healthy choices.    Sugar spikes wreak havoc on one’s mood and leave people feeling sluggish and down.  Too much alcohol will not fix anything, and the hangover and dehydration are such downers.   Couple that with feelings of guilt and shame many people experience after such escapades, and it can be a real slippery slope.

 Try and drink more water and less caffeinated beverages, sodas, alcohol, or even too much juice.  Hydration is vital to all of your body functions, to even mild dehydration contributes to emotional problems (WebMD).  Caffeine is a diuretic, and sugar/alcohol screws with hydration levels too.

If you fall short of your health ideals (or any other), don’t beat yourself up, just accept it and try again tomorrow.   Feeling bad about yourself isn’t going to help anything and makes it even harder to make healthy choices, just let that $#!+ go and move on. You’ll be better for it.

11. Exercise: Even if you’re in full-blown quarantine, outdoors is still open. If you’re not suffering from illness, you can at least go for a walk.   Find a park, or if available, go to the ocean and make a deliberate effort to notice and appreciate the natural beauty.   If you live in a busy city, walking down the street and admiring the architecture or culture of an area can be stirring.

 There is overwhelming evidence that moderate exercise has a positive effect in fighting depressions.   If you can’t leave home, just spend a few minutes stretching.  Stretching releases both physical and emotional tensions.       

12.Make a gratitude list.   Feeling gratitude Is synonymous with feeling happy. Happiness and depression cannot exist in the same space.   Make a list of 20 things you are grateful for, or for fun, make an A-Z list with something for every letter in the alphabet.   After you finish the list, circle 5 things and stop and truly feel the gratitude.  Its sometimes easy to ramble off an “intellectual’ list of things to be grateful for, but gratitude is not a thought, it is a feeling, and it is an action.   Feel the appreciation and then act on it. Tell the people you love how much they mean to you, do something nice for someone who you are grateful to.  Do it wholly unsolicited and expect nothing in return.  Just express your gratitude.  You’ll feel amazing after.

Read: Gratitude for Happines

13. Meditate:  Science proves that the physical and emotional value of mediation is profound.   For many meditations is a spiritual practice.   I personally am amongst those who believe in God and the spirituality of meditation, however, if you are not, you can still benefit dramatically from practicing mindfulness.   Staying “grounded” through mindfulness will preserve your inner peace and sense of security.   

If you are new to the idea, here is a simple and practical strategy to get started:   A Beginners Guide to Meditation for Wellness.

14. Be gentle with yourself.  Some days are going to be better than others.  Be quick to celebrate the wins and forgive the less than perfect days.  That same rule applies to others.   Find other people doing something right and praise them for it.   The world was a broken place long before COVID-19 and is indeed vibrating much more fear and negativity right now.   

No one is perfect, depression or not; we are all struggling now. Every one of us could all use some more love. It starts with you! Love yourself, love others, and please stay well!

I Am an Imposter!

coaching, Health & Wellness, Life Coach Library, Personal Growth & Spirituality, Recovery
imposter syndrome

I have been trying to write a blog for days.  Ok, it’s been weeks, and have had total “writer’s block.”   Sure it can happen to anyone, but there’s an irony when one who is a coach (that would be me)  and writes so much about building confidence; ending procrastination; boosting one’s motivation; having an attitude of gratitude, yet here I am,  stuck. 

I ask myself, “How is it that ‘I’ am so stuck??”…..(crickets chirping in the silence) I DON’T KNOW! I JUST AM.  When honest with myself, I’ve been stuck for over a month. The polite word is “writer’s block,” but let’s be honest, I’m in a yucky funk with it.

Have you ever gotten “stuck” and had no idea why?

Time Warriors Steve Chandler

I have been trying to self-analyze this, and the only thing I accomplished there is creating more confusion and, ultimately, procrastination.   In my mind, I hear passages from one of my favorite books, Time Warrior by Steve Chandler, an amazing and inspiring book to overcome procrastination, yet I no movement. 

Like a good coach, I have a coach (two actually), and I have had chats with them both.    The feedback is different as they have different specialties, but the common denominator amongst coaches is we all believe that the client has their own answers. The key is to tap into their inner wisdom.

What would I say to a client who is as stuck as me?   How can I walk the talk and get out of this?

First things first, I would suggest (or try and tease out of a client) to use prayer and meditation to get grounded and centered.

Great idea, I do this frequently, but I’ll do it with a more specific intention and see what happens.    It’s incredible, for the first time in my life ever, I have been utterly thoughtless in a meditation.  Yes, I have tried to accomplish this for years with no avail.  Guess the trick all along was to seek writing inspiration and voila, silencing of the mind.

Ok, screw it, “Just start”, that’s what I would say to a client.

100 ways to motivate yourself

Another Chandler-ism pops into my head, “do something badly.”  Yes, from 100 Ways to Motivate Yourself, it’s better to do something bad than to do nothing at all.   We get so crippled by thinking we must do something perfect that it’s often hard to begin.   We’ve defeated ourselves before beginning.    Just open a document and start writing!

(to myself)  “OK, that helped, I have a few paragraphs of total junk written…hooray 😊. “

Next???  Explore what fear or blockages are getting in the way?  So, I write down the usual culprits and see if any of those pesky f*ckers are robbing my creativity.  

Fear of failure?  

Nope, not that one, I’ve failed at so many things in the last few years, failure and I have become buds.      I prefer it if you all enjoy the writing and get something out of it but have made peace with the idea that many will not.   

Fear of success?

 Sure, success can be daunting.  With it comes responsibility and expectations of continued success.   Plus, people start scrutinizing you for flaws when you start to get successful.    A problem I do hope and pray to have to deal with on a high level someday.  Not successful enough yet for that to be an issue.

Imposter Syndrome?  Ouch! I think I just hit a nerve.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

The imposter syndrome refers to the feeling people have when they do not see the connection between their accomplishments and their abilities.  They often have a deep-rooted fear of being exposed as a fraud. The term was coined by clinical psychologists who  found that despite having plenty of evidence of success and accomplishments, people remained convinced that they don’t deserve the success they have.   (Megan Dalla-Camina).

I think I’m on to something.   Even though I have:  been recovered from addictions for over 31 years; have spent thousands of hours in the pursuit of personal growth through modalities like psychotherapy, metaphysical energy work, and bodywork; attended countless growth-centered retreats and workshops; read hundreds of self-help books; mentored dozens of others in their growth journey; spoken at numerous venues on healing related issues; and have 25 graduate-level credits in counseling; I’m really not qualified to be writing these blogs.   IMPOSTOR!!! 

Not until I have 3 Ph.D.’s and know everything about everything am I qualified.   LMAO (at myself)

How do I overcome Imposter Syndrome?

Like I just said, I am not a psychologist, and I hold no doctoral degrees.  I’m just a self-help zealot who has been passionate about the pursuit of emotional and spiritual growth and helping others on that same journey for decades.

I have learned that most of my discontent is rooted in being stuck in “self.”   Whether I’m taking myself too seriously and thinking a blog must be perfect or wallowing in self-pity because I’m so stuck and I can’t get out of my own way, I am stuck in “self”.    The problem is me.   The problem is always me, and sometimes I hate it.  I wish that once in my life, the problem was someone or something else, but ultimately it never is.  External circumstances can really suck sometimes, but if I can’t change them, how I relate to them is on me.  Translation=the problem is me.

The good news is if the problem is me, so is the solution. 

Sometimes it only takes a shift in perspective.   Instead of operating from fear that if I don’t get something done, there are dire consequences,  I can shift to an attitude of love.   There’s gotta be at least one person out there that gets madly stuck sometimes and will get something out of it.   Even some other life-coach reading this might possibly relate.   I write with the hope that it helps someone.   Anyone.   Just me putting love and light into the universe. 

Other times, it requires action.  I don’t always love spending time and energy getting outside of myself,  I think I’m busy with important things to do.  But, when I do get out of my own way and reach out to others my energy multiplies, and it costs me a fraction of the time I’ll waste if I don’t.    It pays dividends.  

I try and connect with a girlfriend that might be having a tough time. Find out how she is and extend a sincere offer to help in any way that I can. 

Sick kids at home?  I’ll go to the grocery store for you….(even though there aren’t any groceries in the grocery store right now) .  

Need a ride, I’ll come get you.  

Something on your mind?  Talk to me, I am all ears…

Regardless of what transpires   I always end up with a profound sense of gratitude.  So no, I don’t have an expert explanation on how to overcome feeling like an imposter.  I only have my personal experience to share with you, but this is what works for me.    Maybe it will work for you too.

This post is far from perfect but in the spirit of “just start” and “It’s better to do something badly than not at all.”    I will post it and look the world in the eye knowing that to the best of my ability, I do walk my talk.

Warmest regards, Wendy Cope

P.s.  if any of you could help a sister out and let me know what personal growth topics you may be interested in, I’d love fresh ideas and inspiration for writing.    

Weeding Out Faulty, Limiting Beliefs and Breaking free of the Inner-Child Syndrome

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limiting beiefs

What is “the inner-child” and the “inner-child syndrome”?

A term coined initially by famous psychoanalyst, Carl Jung, the “inner-child” refers to the belief systems that are developed in childhood.  It is easy to grasp the idea that everyone’s belief systems are rooted mainly in childhood; after all, everyone learns about the world primarily from their parents. 

The “inner-child syndrome” refers to a term used to describe the dysfunctional or destructive behaviors that continue in some people’s adult lives.  These behavior patterns that occur as a direct result of thoughts and beliefs that run automatically or unconsciously.  Those thoughts come directly from childhood development (Steven Diamond, Ph.D.).

What are the issues associated with having limiting beliefs or “inner-child syndrome”?

There are numerous ways this can manifest in one’s life.  For the most concise list, I would like to refer you to The Laundry List of Adult Children Of Alcoholics.  This compilation was originally written for children raised in alcoholic environments; however, psychologists recognize these traits as typical amongst various populations.   The mutual attributes being any form of abuse, neglect, or mental illness present in the home. 

For this article, I would like to focus on what I call living on “repeat”.   What I mean by that is often, as adults, we find ourselves in the same type of situation over and over and over.  

For example:

  • Getting out of a bad relationship, only to find ourselves in another lousy relationship
  • Getting out of debt only to rack up new debts
  • Losing and regaining the same 20 pounds repeatedly
  • Being taken advantage of by others again and again
  • Thinking you’ll be happy “if” (something changes) or “when” (something happens), only to realize that you’re no happier when those things occur.

…..there are countless other scenarios.

“We learn our belief systems as tiny children, and then we move through life, creating experiences to match our beliefs. Look back in your own life and notice how often you have gone through the same experience.”

You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise L. Hay

Why is it essential to revisit childhood to overcome limiting-beliefs? Why can’t the past be the past

Because ultimately, at the root of living on “repeat” are unconscious limiting-beliefs that inform every thought, action, and therefore result in what we create in our life. 

With spring right around the corner, I will use planting a garden as an analogy to explain the importance of weeding out self-limiting and damaging beliefs.

You can’t change anything until you know what it is you are trying to change: Identify the Weeds

I am not a green-thumb by anyone’s standard, but you don’t have to have a degree in horticulture to understand that a critical step in growing a beautiful garden is to get rid of all of the weeds.

For the most part, weeds are just another type of plant that is growing in the wrong place. Some plants look like they could be weeds but aren’t.  Conversely, many weeds look like they could be plants.

Most weeds are harmless, but they just look ugly.   Then, some weeds are literally poisonous and will wreak havoc and destroy your flowerbed.   There are even some that are dangerous to other living creatures. They might be pesky to deal with, but wishing them away or ignoring them will not make them disappear. Neither will pretending it is a plant help it to result in beautiful spring tulips.  In fact, that sounds downright silly, doesn’t it?

One can also convince themselves that dandelions are harmless, and there is no use in working on getting rid of them.   That may be true, but the end result is accepting a second-rate garden.  Understating  the seriousness of a bishops weed could result in severe illness or death to a beloved pet.

So, even a wannabe gardener like me can wrap their head around the idea that the only way to get rid of them is to pull them out by their root; otherwise, they will just grow back and start the cycle all over again.

The Journey to Growing

To deeply heal the “inner-child syndrome” and overcome limiting beliefs, a couple of things have to happen so the journey can begin: 

One must look back to what went wrong in childhood, particularly in the early (birth to 7 or 8 years) childhood.   This does not mean they have to relive the experiences and “become” the emotions, but rather observe what happened with adult eyes to understand what happened and replace old damaging beliefs with new and empowering ones.  A great way to do this without reliving the pain is using an NLP technique called Association and Disassociation. 

Life Coaching for Less than a Latte: Crush Self-doubt and Unleash Confidence the workbook

It is critical to get it through to one’s core that what happened in the past was NOT THEIR FAULT.   I cannot stress that enough.   I have worked with many clients who intellectually know that events in their lives weren’t their fault but, on an emotional and even spiritual level, carried some guilt and shame.  At the core of their being, they got the message that if they were somehow better, smarter, quieter, cuter, etc., that mommy or daddy would have acted differently and real or perceived, they believed it.    

Awareness is the stepping-stone to change:  Once we are aware of the bad programming, we have two choices.  We can consciously decide to stop the denial; to stop hiding from the pain; to stop lying to ourselves;

OR we can perpetuate the narrative that everything is ok and believe that the same thinking that created chaos in our lives can somehow fix it, ultimately continuing to repeat the cycle of misery repeat again and again and again.  

That may sound harsh, but those are the two choices.

Fortunately, there is freedom in accepting this as reality.  It takes so much energy to try and “pretend” everything is OK when intuitively, we believe something is awry.   The effort it takes to attempt to control outward appearances (and seem “normal”) is exhausting and keeps us from using that same precious energy in pursuing our dreams.

Uncovering the damaging lies (weeds) that do not serve you anymore allows you to replace them with empowering truths (lilies) that will help you manifest the life you desire and deserve.    It is then that life begins to bloom.

Change is possible, but it is not always easy to do it alone.  If you are ready to take control of your life and believe you’ll go further with support than by yourself, why not try working with a professional Life-Coach?   Life coaches are trained at helping their clients overcome limiting beliefs and moving forward with their lives.  There are times when a psychotherapist is more appropriate than a life coach.   If old wounds are still very raw and painful, a therapist is a better choice as they will provide an environment conducive to healing.   If you are ready to move forward and need to breakthrough old blockages, a coach can be a game-changer in your life.   Life Coach Library makes it convenient to find the best coach for you, and the process is risk-free!

Take Control of Your Life: Think Positive & Overcome Your Fears

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overcome fear

FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real

FEAR: F#@% Everything And Run

We all have fears.   Each and every one of us.  Some fears are good and healthy to have.   It is wise not to put your hand in a fire because you’re afraid of getting burned.  It’s a little much to avoid lighting candles at dinner because they are a fire hazard.  The difference is the level at which fear dictates how one lives.

What separates those who seem to have bulletproof confidence, and are those who over-react?   The thoughts behind the fear and the meaning that is attached to them.

Take, for example, someone who hates their job but won’t change.  

The underlying fears might be:  being too old, not being good enough to do something else, disappointing someone else, giving up the illusion of security for the unknown. 

Underneath those fears are still more fears and lies.

“ My friend was 50 and changed jobs, and she was the talk for months.   No one expected her to succeed.   She almost lost her marriage; her husband was furious.”

And so on.

A confident person also has anxious feelings about a change.  Their thinking is more like:

“OK, I’m 50, but I could be working for a minimum of 15 more years.  

If I love it, I might do it till I’m 80

They either don’t care what other people think, or they consider what others will say but know that those worthy of their friendship will support them, and those who don’t aren’t.  They understand there will be an adjustment with their relationship, but they work it out with their spouse and find a way to prioritize tasks and get it done.

One person spends another 15 years surviving, and the other creates a life they love.

That is what separates the two scenarios above.   

Check it out: Crush Self-Doubt and build Super-Confidence, a workbook.

The core of fear

At the core of fears that do not serve us and yet have control in ones, life is a negative thought pattern. That negativity is likely not even conscious, making it harder to manage and move past.

Thinking positive will take some commitment and practice, but you can turn irrational fears around if you are willing to make a conscious effort to be better.  When you get better at focusing on your strengths more than your shortcomings you gain confidence; when you expect the best outcome more than the worst, you gain motivation; and when you chose to act in the face of fear instead of allowing it to dictate your life, you gain courage.   All of these lead to a life of greater peace and happiness. 

The tips below are not necessarily easy, but they are simple, practical suggestions that you can use to develop more positive thinking patterns.  When you change the way you think, you will be able to take control during times of fear and be more productive and successful in reaching your goals.

Take care of yourself first.  

Taking control of your life requires a strong baseline.  Make sure your basic needs are met. It’s hard to have clarity and focus when you’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.   Eat well, get enough exercise, make sure you have healthy social interaction, and get enough sleep.

Look at the fears behind the fears; they tell you more about yourself than the “surface layer” thoughts.  To gain this insight, you’ll have to slow yourself down and find a way to dig below the surface or conscious thoughts.   If you’re not sure how to do this, here are a couple of suggestions.

Identify what you are really afraid of.

  • Talk it out with a trusted friend or mentor.   Try and uncover your “why’s”.   Why are you afraid to (for ex:) change jobs?   Why do you believe you’re too old to?   Why does that matter?   And so on.   If you can do this 3-5 times, you should be able to uncover a more deep-seated, core level fear.  
  • Try quiet mindfulness or meditation.   Sometimes when we try and sit quietly, the thoughts come racing fast and furious.    Notice those thoughts.    Think of what your heart’s desire genuinely is and pretend you already have it.   Chances are your knee jerk reaction will be all of the reasons that it is not possible.   PAY ATTENTION TO THOSE THOUGHTS, they are clues to your core fears. 
  • Grab a pen and paper and start writing.  Don’t try and censor your thoughts; no one is going to read this.  Just start writing about what you want and what stops you from getting it.   Similar to meditation, the underlying blockages are likely to present themselves.   Write anything that comes to mind, regardless of what it is.   After about 15-20 minutes, go back and read it.   You’ve probably got some new self-awareness on the paper. 

Crush your Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANT’s)

Famous author and mental health expert Dr. Daniel Amen describes ANTs as the unconscious thoughts that bring you down.

Ask yourself: Is this really true? Maybe it was true in the past, but is it still true today?  Do you know someone who defies this?    What do you really have to lose if you try and things don’t go exactly as planned?    Has catastrophe ever really entered your life because you took a chance on your goals?

Everyone has fear, but successful people feel the fear and do it anyway.   A great book by that title, Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, by Susan Jeffers offers excellent ideas to overcome crippling fears. 

Remember, negative thoughts only have as much power that you give them.  When you recognize them, don’t give them credence.   Try to detach from them and replace them with something empowering.     One way to diffuse their strength is to laugh them off.   If you notice yourself thinking “I’m not smart enough to be a _________ (dream job)”  instead of believing that lie, laugh at the fact that some small, childish part of you is silly even to think that, but there is a stronger, healthier part of you that is wise enough to know the truth and simply dismiss it.   Move on to something else so that you don’t continue the story in your head.

Thwart fear with an attitude of gratitude.  

When you focus on what you do have instead of what you don’t, stress and fear are deflated.   Take a few moments throughout the day to notice the things you do have, the things you’re doing great, the people who you support, and support you.   The positive feelings that come from gratitude will crush the negativity that fear generates. 

 Create a new story.    

Don’t get analysis paralysis, but consider different outcomes.  Sometimes fears take over, and we start practicing terror, imagining all kinds of unlikely events.  Thinking about the “worst-case scenario”  is helps some people muster the courage to take the plunge, but we find two flaws in this strategy.   First of all, it often cripples action, and it rarely comes to pass.  Second, it is based in negativity, and negative thoughts lead to more negative thoughts.   Try thinking about the best-case scenario.   The ultimate may not come to pass either, but positive thoughts lead to more positive thoughts, and you’ll still go farther than you would otherwise go.  Think about what it means to be successful.  Who do you need to be to get there?  What do you need to do to make it happen?   What supports do you have in place?  

Take Action!   

Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.    Nothing great will ever come from a comfort zone.   Reading books, watching videos, writing journals are all great ways to learn about yourself and what to do, but they mean absolutely NOTHING if you don’t take action.    Changing your thoughts and behaviors is a process, and miracles won’t happen overnight. However, if you start now, and push yourself just a little bit every day, in a month, you’ll see a difference, and in 6 months you’ll be amazed.  A year from now, you might just have a brand new life!! 

Now, try this on for size     FEAR: FACE EVERYTHING AND RISE

If you ready to take control of your life and believe you’ll go further with support than on your own, why not try working with a professional Life-Coach?   Life Coach Library makes it convenient to find the best coach for you, and the process is risk-free!

Being Single on Valentines Isn’t A Bad Thing!

coaching, Health & Wellness, Life Coach Library, Personal Growth & Spirituality, Relationships & Family

The retail world would have you think that if you’re not spending a sentimental and romantic February 14th with a special someone that you are missing out.  Every website has Valentine’s advertisements practically every TV and radio station talks about it or fills the airwaves with jewelry, chocolate, card, and other commercials designed to pull on your heartstrings.   There’s dozens of Romcoms, novels, and memes on the internet, depicting single people as depressed, introverted loners who will cry themselves to sleep on February 14th.

Please don’t fall for it.    

There is something powerful about being free and independent, and there is no need to go on a date just for the heck of it. Don’t stress out; there are plenty of reasons to celebrate being single on Valentine’s Day.

  • No Valentine’s day anxiety

Ladies can be relieved that they don’t have to change clothes 15 times, worry about the extra weight that came with Christmas festivities, or spend an hour trying to get every strand of hair and speck of makeup perfect.

Guys don’t have to sweat getting the right gift and card.  You know, this one’s too serious, that one’s not serious enough, a card that seems funny to you and your guy friends could royally piss her off, but you aren’t sure….

Restaurants are all booked solid, and if you didn’t make a reservation in January, there’s likely either an hours-long wait, or it’ll feel like New Years because you’re eating dinner at midnight bringing in February 15th

Chill-ax!  You can stay home in your sweats and binge-watch Breaking Bad or Game of Thrones, (again). 

  • You will save money

The average person spends close to $200 on Valentine’s day with men spending as high as $399. A beautiful gift, fancy dinners, French wine, and flowers don’t come cheap. But don’t worry, you can have a good night’s sleep knowing you’ll be saving a lot of money.   Buy yourself something you’ve really wanted and be your own Valentine.

  • No disappointments

The morning after, you will be one of the few people who will not be disappointed. While the night might not have been special, it was also not a let-down or, in some cases, an absolute disaster! You spent the whole day, exactly the way you wanted to, and that’s what matters.

  • Better to be single than with the wrong person

Some people are single just because they like being alone.  Others have had some rough relationships and have come to the decision that being alone is better than wasting your life with someone you aren’t totally feeling,  Being with the wrong person is like being in a trap because you don’t even have the option to find the right one.   Anyone who has ever been stuck in bad relationships knows and appreciates having space and opportunity to find someone special.

  • The Potential of finding the right partner

Every new turn in life is an opportunity to start all over again. If you are single, but would like to find someone, there is plenty of opportunities to connect with other singles.  Take your time and find someone with who you can connect and have a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

        You might not be single until next Valentine’s day – savor this moment!

If finding or keeping healthy, loving, and fulfilling relationships in your life is a priority and you think you’d benefit from honed relationship guidance, talk to a relationship coach and see how they can help you get to the next level. 

Crush Self-Doubt and Unleash a Super-Confident You a workbook designed to breakthrough limiting beliefs and get you moving forward to being the best you! 

Signs that you might need an emotional detox.

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What is an emotional detox?

The word ‘Detox‘ often refers to “a process or period of time in which one abstains from or rids the body of toxic or unhealthy substances.” Upon hearing the word we tend to jump to the usual suspects of drugs, alcohol, caffeine or nicotine. We may even assume it relates to the latest ‘dieting’ fad but rarely do we think of our emotions and mental health in need of detoxification.

An emotional detox refers to a mindful practice wherein we take the time to process unresolved emotions, thoughts, and trauma which have been left to go stale. Much like food which has been left to rot, our long overdue traumas and emotions can make us very ill But instead of chucking it all in the bin and starting over, emotional detoxing encourages us to properly and fully work with that which is causing us harm. We’re aiming to work through our troubles rather than shoving them to the side and labeling them as ‘do not open.Ever.’

How do I know if I need an emotional detox?

Are you afraid to say the word ‘no’ ? Maybe you’re constantly trying to fix other people’s problems? Do you often put the needs of others before your own? And, finally, are you a chronic overthinker who loses sleep over the smallest of things?

If you answered yes to any or all of the above then you’ll benefit greatly from an emotional detox.

There are various mental and physical symptoms to consider when thinking about emotional detox. You don’t have to wait until you experience any of these to start your detox, instead you should act quickly and often in order to avoid a build-up of negative emotions and trauma.

Watch out for the following:

Chronic headaches.

Often considered a sign of heightened stress levels (or the need for an eye appointment), frequent and uncomfortable headaches are a sure sign that you may need to emotionally detox. It goes hand in hand with reducing the levels of cortisol (stress hormone) in the blood which can trigger a variety of adverse reactions in the body.

If the headaches escalate to migraine level things can become debilitating, and you might find yourself on the couch or in a dark room for a number of days.

Frequent illness.

Do you often get colds and flus? Or maybe you suffer from constant stomach aches and cramps? Illness of any kind can be an indication that you need to slow down, listen to yourself and possibly detox from your emotional traumas. The odd niggle or stuffy nose here and there is normal, but if you’re getting sick every time you take a break from work or more often than the average person, then it might be time to dig deeper.

Of course it’s important to remember that illness can be a sign of many other issues. Our bodies react adversely to any major trauma and changes, so always get checked out if you’re concerned. Otherwise, an emotional detox won’t do you any harm!

Unexplained and frequent pain.

As discussed, please be aware that unexplained and frequent pain could be a sign of something much more sinister. If in doubt, get checked out! This could include anything from joint pain to the aforementioned headache.

Poor gut health.

The gut is notoriously known as the second brain. We tend to hold a lot of our stress, trauma and tension within this area, and it’s extremely sensitive to change. Some people are more sensitive than others, and you could find that your stomach tightens with the slightest hint of anxiety.

Even when experiencing no other symptoms I would deem ‘gut health’ worthy of treatment all by itself. At the first signs of gut changes, I ask myself to slow down and re-evaluate things lest I repeat the last ten years of a painfully unhealthy GI tract.

If you begin to experience unexplained cramps, changes in bowel habits, sensitivity to foods you were otherwise fine with or anything else untoward, I strongly advise speaking to your doctor. If nothing else is out of the ordinary then an emotional detox should be the first thing on your list (along with hot water bottles and various herbal teas).

Trouble getting to and staying asleep.

Being unable to get adequate sleep is not only a sign of night-time anxiety, but negatively impacts our mental and physical health. So, the less sleep we get the more troubled we feel, and the more troubled we feel, the less sleep we get. It’s a vicious cycle resulting in chronic sleep deprivation which in itself can be a very dangerous thing.

Sleep is essential. Without it you’ll not only suffer from a variety of mental and physical impacts, but you may even die.

While we sleep our body recovers from physical and mental strain. We go into a hyper relaxed state where our tendons, neurons, brain cells (etc) can all repair themselves in peace. So, it’s easy to see why it’s so important to our overall well being.

Persistent trouble getting to sleep, like many things, indicates a problem either mentally or physically. It could be a case of making your bedroom sleep friendly, or simply shutting off from electronics a few hours before sleeping. Even bedtime meditation or yoga could do the trick! If you’re a frequent worrier, try keeping a journal where you can write down all your nagging thoughts before bed? Work through the worry, ask yourself why you’re feeling like that, is it justified, is it rational and leave it in the book for another day.

** It’s important to acknowledge that there may come a time when you need pills, in which cause ONLY use them under the guidance of your medical professional. Never use illegally sourced sleeping medication as this could have fatal consequences. **

Weight changes.

Fluctuation in weight over a short period of time can be an indication of a problem either physically or mentally. You could have a suppressed appetite due to overwhelm, likewise you could also be eating more, both of which lead to weight changes. While many people admit to overeating due to anxiety and stress, there are others who find themselves unable to eat due to discomfort or lack of appetite. It’s important to spot the signs and take action to combat them.

If you’re stressed or dealing with unresolved emotional issues, take action to recognize and process accordingly. Don’t allow it to continue to fester and, most importantly, take back control over your eating habits. Your weight may never be 100% controllable, and rightfully so, but it goes without saying that a healthy body makes it easier to maintain our mental health.

**If you’ve suffered from an eating disorder in the past or if you’re in recovery, it’s important to speak to your GP as soon as possible to avoid complete relapse. I would argue and say this is more pressing than attempting an emotional detox. Instead, get professional help first and work on detoxing later.

There are also a variety of mental and behavioral signs that you’re in need of an emotional detox, including;
  • Easily distracted and unable to maintain focus.
  • Unable to retain information, accompanied by a poor short term memory.
  • Deep feelings of anxiety. Constantly worrying about everything no matter how small.
  • Frequently ignoring your gut feelings, or any difficult feelings in general.
  • Feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope on a daily basis.
  • Substance abuse and addiction.
  • Self-doubt, so much so that it hinders you from moving forward.
  • Feeling stuck and out of balance.
  • Chronic self-comparison which often leaves you feeling disheartened.
  • Unable to trust your own instincts and easily swayed by others
  • Breakdown of or poor personal relationships.

How to emotionally detox.

There are so many ways we can go about an emotional detox and, like many things, there is no one size fits all approach. It’s about finding what works, and I mean really works, for you. Google ‘How to do an emotional detox’ and you’ll come up with a variety of ways to get started. I’m going to discuss some techniques that have worked for me in the past and I strongly encourage you to find what works and create your own tailored approach.

  • Do Yoga (and maybe try some meditation).
  • Write or outwardly express your feelings in some way.
  • Practice affirmations and gratitude.
  • Step away from the screen!
  • Stop running from your feelings! Welcome them like guests, chat with them for a bit and then send them gently on their way.
  • Mind your gut.
  • Be aware of your stress levels and work on daily self-care to help reduce these.

There are many other ways you can take part in an emotional detox and, really, it’s a personal preference. What works for me may not work for you. Take time to get to know yourself and what makes you feel better in times of high stress. And if something doesn’t work for you the first-time round, remember that a lot of self-care skills require continued use in order to reap the full benefits.

Isolation is also an emotional killer.   It’s not always easy to ask for help or make ourselves vulnerable to others.    However, being stuck inside our own head means we are using the exact same thinking to help ourselves that got us where we are.    Find a trusted mentor who will never judge you and always has your best interest at heart.   The new perspective can help you look at things in a way that can change your life. 

About the author

Nyxie’s Nook is a blog focusing on mental health awareness, eating disorder recovery, wellness, and self-development. The blog was started in March 2019 in a bid to raise awareness for mental illness such as Anorexia Nervosa and Anxiety, two such disorders I suffer from. However, what started out as a hobby, quickly turned into something much, much more! 

Nyxie’s Nook has become a place to talk about all mental health issues and the struggles that come along with recovery. I cover a variety of subjects ranging from general wellness right up to more specific recovery-related content. I not only aim to cater to those in recovery but to people in all walks of life.”

You can find my blog at: 

www.nyxiesnook.com

Additionally you can view my social media profiles at the following: 

Kind regards

Chloe. 

I Guess That’s Why They Call it the (Winter) Blues…

Career & Business, coaching, Health & Wellness, Life Coach Library, Personal Growth & Spirituality, Recovery

The holidays can be so stressful and hectic, and like it or not, we are typically surrounded by people.  Lots of people.  Family members, friends, colleagues at your office holiday party, crowds of people in the malls, restaurants, and traffic…the list goes on and on.

Then, poof! its over and everything is eerily quiet, or comparatively so.   

For many, this drop in activity and social interaction leaves a feeling of loneliness and emptiness. Couple that with single digit temperatures outside… and oh, those New Years Resolutions that you’ve already forgotten about, again…and. (deep sigh) yep,  the winter blues have crept right in.  

  
Regardless of why the first few weeks after the holidays can be emotionally overwhelming. 

My top 3 go-to’s when getting in a winter funk: Lights, Connection, Action!!

Let there be light! 

It’s common knowledge lack of sunlight during the winter months is connected to feeling down.   The scientific term is seasonal affective disorder (SAD), and while some people suffer from it severely, almost everyone agrees the gloom of winter is a downer.    Dress warm and go outdoors if you’re able.   Being cold stinks, but as long as you’re warm, breathing the brisk air can be invigorating.  If you’re a dog owner like me, you know that getting them out sometimes is a pain, but everyone is much happier after.  Have an elderly neighbor with a dog?  Offer to help them.  They’ll appreciate it, and doing something for someone can really lift your spirits.  However, you choose to do it, don’t get too cooped up inside. 

Open your curtains and let the light shine in.    A lot of times, we close them because they do help insulate and keep the heat in.  I get it.  Keeping the heat in is good, but the flip side is that it blocks the light out.   Even if you only open them for an hour a day, let there be light!  You’ll feel better.  

 Feeling blue, try Gratitude for Happiness

It’s almost impossible to feel down when you have a real sense of gratitude.  Take a moment to think of anyone that did something extra special over the holidays and reach out to thank them.   You could call them, send them a card, or an email.  I discourage texting, but if that’s what feels right to you, then by all means, go for it.  Everyone loves to receive thanks and to get outside of yourself and to connect with another person with a grateful heart creates endorphins related to happiness (Psychology Today)

Make a plan

Just get going again.  Think of how focused you were during the holidays.  How ever you celebrate, making plans, meeting deadlines, reaching goals is a big part of the process, and chances are, you did all of that without even being aware of it.  Now is your opportunity to focus on something for yourself.  We all have something we’d like to accomplish and have procrastinated on (until after the holidays?)

Here are a few ideas.

Pick an area of your life you want to work on.   Are you happy with your career?  How’s your love life?   Still eating Christmas candy or just feeling the after-effects and ready to get back into healthy habits?   Thought about starting a business or writing a book or taking up a new hobby?  Pick one (or two), and write down your ultimate goal with it.  Even if it seems lofty now, as long as there is some reality to it, get it on paper.  Then break it down into chunks by what you need to accomplish in (for example) one year or six months. Then what do you need to get done each month to get to the end?  After that, break it into weekly goals to reach your monthly objective.  Lastly, what can you do TODAY to meet your weekly commitment?  

Don’t put massive stress or pressure on yourself.

That’s counterproductive.  The stress will create negative feelings that will ultimately be the demise of the plan. Even people who think they are motivated by pain or panic typically fizz out.  It just doesn’t work, or at least not for long.   If you find yourself feeling angst or stress, try setting SMART GOALS.   These  are smaller, more specific and managable goals allowing you to celebrate even your simplest victory.

Winter can feel like an ending while you’re waiting for the new beginnings that come with spring.  However, it doesn’t have to be.   There are only so many tomorrows, and letting nearly 90 of them pass you by does not serve your highest good.   You deserve so much more out of life.   Let yourself live it to the fullest.  

Ring Ring Your Life is Calling: find your true calling in life

Career & Business, coaching, Health & Wellness, Life Coach Library, Personal Growth & Spirituality, Relationships & Family
stop procrastination

Realize it or not, we all experience a sense of passion and purpose at some time in our lives. Think back to when you were a child and had an unfiltered interest in a game or toy.  Maybe you played a musical instrument or lost yourself in arts and crafts.  

Finding a passionate purpose in your adult life is not so different from this.  We resonate with a vision of possibility.  It may start seemingly ordinary, but as we lean into it, the possibilities seem endless, and it takes on a life of its own. The clearer we can see the vision, the more doors to new opportunities appear, and our vision becomes deeply meaningful. 

Living authentically frees you to turn possibility into reality. 

Are you living in line with your authentic self?  Do you do what is meaningful and inspiring to you? Are you achieving the results you want in your life? Do you feel fully alive? How much do you wholeheartedly engage and enjoy each moment, no matter where you are or what you are doing?   How you live one day is how you live your life. The answers to these probing questions define it.

You’ll have more confidence and self-respect; you’ll feel better knowing your strengths and weaknesses in a true and accurate measure; you’ll be more optimistic and be ready to forward, even if you’ve felt stuck in the past.

When you ignite your passion, you procrastinate less and have more drive; your relationships will improve because you being the best version of you. 

Uncover your true passion and purpose

It starts with a vision.

Allow yourself some time to quiet the mind and slow down the chaos of everyday life.  Ask yourself: What do I want? What makes me happy? What am I passionate about? Don’t filter your answers.  The answers you seek exist inside of you if you’re willing to listen.  It can take time, so don’t try and hurry the process.

Pay attention to shifts in your thought process.


You’ll start to notice your mental energy flowing towards unraveling what it is that you truly are meant to be or do.  You’ll be amazed as you begin to attract the elements that resonate with your calling.  It will be as if life is calling you on your own personal telephone, you just need to answer the phone. 

As ideas come to you, imagine that you are already living your ideal life.   Close your eyes and as if you are watching a movie starring yourself, fill in all the details with vibrant color; hear the sounds of success; feel the satisfaction and joy that comes with it.
 

It takes consistent vigilance

To manifest situations that provide the opportunities you desire, you must maintain focus on the end-goal.  Spend time each day doing even the smallest thing that is consistent with someone who already has or is what they desire.   Be selfish with your time and not get distracted, even if only for 15 minutes. Make this time yours without negotiation and be willing to repeat it again and again.

Ask for Help

You will always have to do “it” yourself, but you never have to do it alone.  Find a trusted confidante to run your ideas by.  Try to find someone who will support you without judgment.  That someone should also be living in line with their true passion and purpose.  Inner vision can take time to activate, and it’s essential to know where, how, when, and who to ask for help. 

These suggestions will help you get in touch with your core values and deepest desires.   They will stimulate your imagination to identify what your life’s purpose, vision, and mission are.

Consider that as you discover your passions that life is calling you.  Are you going to answer the phone?   Or are you going to wait for the voice mail (procrastinate)?   Will you respond with a text because you don’t have the “perfect” response? Or will you put a post on social media asking for permission from others to do what you desire most?

When you feel a strong pull that something is your calling, the best thing to do is get busy!   The sooner you start, the quicker you feel better and build momentum.  When you decide to live your purpose and go for what you really want, amazing things start to occur.  

Start today!  A year from now, you’ll be so glad you did.

A NEW YEAR – A NEW BEGINNING

Career & Business, coaching, Health & Wellness, Life Coach Library, Personal Growth & Spirituality, Recovery, Relationships & Family
new years resolution

Happy New Year!  I hope you had a wonderful holiday season. Christmas is a wonderful time of year, time to be with your loved ones, and a time for laughter and cheer. But it is also a good time to reflect on the true meaning of Christmas. Christmas is not simply a commemorative Christian holiday. It is not simply celebrating with family and friends. It is not simply a time to give gifts and to be a giving person for a few days out of the year. The Christmas holiday can certainly be all these things, but it can be so much more. No matter what your religious beliefs, this time of year can be a time to reflect on our lives. Every year, I am particularly moved by the song “Happy Christmas” by Celine Dion.

So, this is Christmas and what have you done

Another year over, a new one just begun . . . .

Every year when I hear this song, it touches my soul in a very personal way, and it always gets me thinking about my life. What meaningful things have I done over the last year? Certainly, my accomplishments and goal achievements come to mind, but it is actually much more than that. It is about who I’ve become and what I have done for others. Each year it is my goal to become a better person. Health and wellness is something I always need to work on but, equally important, is my goal of becoming the person I want to be. I want to demonstrate my love for my family in many different ways. I want to create beautiful memories for my children and grandchildren that will live on for a lifetime. I want to deepen the relationships I have with my spouse, my family, my friends, and others. I want to step into the shoes of others, so I can see and feel things from their perspective, experience their world, understand and help them work through challenges, and join them as they celebrate their successes. As a life and leadership coach, I want to support my clients to reach their goals, achieve their dreams, and, in the process, become their personal and professional best.

There have been a number of self-improvement efforts I’ve made over the years. One that I would like to share because it has had a very positive impact on my life and may on yours too is learning to be present, to live in the present moment, the here and now. Most of us spend the majority of our time focused on either the past or the future. We have 40,000 to 50,000 thoughts entering our minds every day, and as many as 80% of these thoughts are negative.  While some past thoughts may be pleasant, many aren’t, and those are the ones we tend to focus on. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness are all emotions that can come from focusing on our past. We hold grudges and, as such, compromise our relationships. Thoughts about the future are also a source of negative emotions.  We worry about things that may never happen. Anxiety, tension, stress, and worry come from focusing on too much future. To make matters worse, we play these same negative thought patterns over and over and over again in our minds.  When we do this, we are escaping the present moment that is our life now. We may be eating a delicious meal or spending time with friends, yet our minds are “miles away,” stressing over a problem at work or replaying for the thousandth time an argument we had with our spouse a few days ago.   We don’t fully enjoy the food we’re eating. We don’t really hear what our friends are saying, and we don’t enjoy our time together as much as we could. We’ve lost connection. Our relationships and joy can be seriously compromised. Just think about how much we are missing out on life by not being present. To become present, ask yourself from time to time what you are thinking about, and instantly, you will become present. Note where your mind was. Were you dwelling on something from your past or possibly worried about something in your future?

Have I achieved being the best version of myself? No, I have not, but that is the point. It is something we need to work on continually. As I approach the New Year, I think about how I can become a better person to make more of a difference in the world. Change takes time. The New Year is the perfect opportunity for a new start, a new beginning.

So, I invite you to search your soul to see if you are becoming the person you want to be and making the difference you want to make in this world. As the song goes, what have you done? Another year over, a new one has just begun. When the Christmas holiday returns in December, and we hear the lyrics to “Happy Christmas” again, let’s have something to say about how we’ve been a giving person all year long and how we’ve made a significant difference for others by who we’ve become. The people that mean the most to us, our families, our friends, and others may not remember all our accomplishments, but they will remember who we are, how we’ve treated them, and the impact we’ve made in their lives.

We wish you a year of love, laughter, connection, success, joy, and fulfillment!

While no one can create your happiness but you, reaching our goals can be tough to do alone.  If you’re ready for better results than you’ve achieved in previous years, consider reaching out to a professional life-coach.  You will go further and do it faster than you will on your own!  Life Coach Library makes it convenient and RISK FREE to experience the impact working with a coach can have. 

Submitted by:

Robbie Carlson

Professional Life and Leadership Coach

“Helping women leaders create successful careers and extraordinary lives.”

www.robbiekcarlson.com/

You’re PROBABLY NOT Going to Keep Your New Year’s Resolution

Career & Business, coaching, Health & Wellness, Life Coach Library, Personal Growth & Spirituality, Recovery, Relationships & Family
new years resolutions

It’s nothing personal; research shows that 80% of New Year’s Resolutions are broken and forgotten by February 15th.  Why are resolutions so hard to keep? There are a lot of reasons for this ranging from lack of clarity of goals, unrealistic expectations, or, according to some psychologists, the word itself does not program the brain for commitment and motivation, which are vital for success.

It’s true that at the end of December, most of us reflect on the year behind us and look at the new year as a fresh beginning, a chance to make changes.  The reality is that May 5th, August 30th, or November 19th are equally as good to create a new beginning and make changes.  ANY day you decide to improve something about yourself or your life is a GREAT day to start.  

The real question to ponder is not WHEN is a good time to start?  But WHY haven’t you done it already?  Why haven’t you done what you wanted to?  Why are you stuck in a dead-end job or relationship?  Why did you lose 20 pounds and then just give up?  WHAT has gotten in-between you and achieving your goals?

 The usual culprits are:

  • Absence of clearly defined and realistic goals
  • Unsustainable motivation and commitment
  • Limiting-beliefs that lead to procrastination or sabotage success
  • Making costly mistakes that deplete time and resources
  • Using the SAME thinking to solve a problem that created them 

“Problems cannot be solved by the same thinking that created them.”
Albert Einstein

The definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.”  If any of this sounds like you, you’re not alone.   Hundreds of thousands of people go through the same cyclical process several times a year, every year.    If you’ve been afraid to try or have tried and failed repeatedly, it can be so discouraging, but the worst thing you can do is allow yourself to become a victim of circumstance. 

It takes courage, and it takes energy, but you can begin again.  You can change.   You can overcome challenges.  You can break through self-limiting beliefs.  You can become the person you want to be, and you can create the life you want to live.

The difference is:    If you want a different result, you have to do something different.  Something inside you must change before anything outside of you can change. 

Whatever it is you do today, you are creating your future.   If you do nothing today, you are creating your future.  If you  “go for it” today, you are creating your future.   The second you decide to act and push yourself out of your comfort zone, you win.

So, with 2020 right around the corner, what are your goals? 

Here are 6 common areas of life and goals.  These are very general, but we recommend that yours be as specific and detailed as possible.

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Career

  • Reduce stress and create life-work balance
  • Plan a better career path or transition 
  • Improve professional skills (presentation, leadership, time-management, etc.)
  • Start or grow a business

Finances

  • Pay off credit card debt
  • Establish a nest egg
  • Save for large purchases
  • Invest
  • Plan retirement

Health and Wellness  

  • Establish daily self-care routines
  • Nutritional goals,
  • Exercise and physical goals
  • Wellness goals (for ex: stress management)
  • Lifestyle changes.

Relationships: family; romantic; social

  • Meeting the love of your life
  • Improving your current relationship with the love of your life
  • Getting along better with your parents or colleagues
  • Communication with your teenage children
  • Broadening your social circle

Personal growth;

  • Build confidence; end procrastination; become proactive
  • Develop a happier attitude; learn to think positively
  • Overcome limiting beliefs; find one’s purpose and passion
  • Break bad habits, create good ones

Spirituality

  1. Deepen commitment to spiritual practices
  2. Broaden your understanding of religious philosophies
  3. Learn to practice The Law of Attraction
  4. Seek answers to questions you ponder or don’t understand
  5. Grow along spiritual lines and principles

Any of these goals are possible.  If any of them (or others) appeal to you, know that YOU CAN.  It may feel like moving a mountain right now, but one step at a time, they can be achieved.

If you decide to “go for it,” it does not matter what you call it, you must commit to change.   You must see it clearly, and you have to believe you can do it.   You must become the person you need to be and develop the discipline and character to make your goal reality.  You must change not to be the person who only wants success and become one who is willing to fight for it. 

One thing you DON” T have to do is go it alone.   No one is coming to do it for you, so you do have to get your a## in gear and get busy.  But you don’t have to fly solo.   DO get support.  DO find someone who can help you clarify your goals.  DO find someone who will hold you accountable and help you remember your why.  DO get an outside perspective that is objective.    Who is that person?   If you don’t have an answer already, we suggest working with a professional coach. 

A coach is skilled in helping you:

  • Clarify your goals and create a robust and actionable plan
  • Identify blocks that have gotten in the way of success in the past & help you overcome them.
  • Help you stay motivated, committed, and hold you accountable.
  • Collaborate with you to form a “think-tank” and come up with ideas that you wouldn’t have had on your own.
  • Save you time and money because you are less likely to make mistakes and get off track.

Life coaching works!  Life Coach Library makes finding a coach you love convenient and RISK-FREE.   When you register and complete a short survey, we’ll match you with up to three coaches who will offer you a complimentary coaching consolation.  From there, you choose the best coach for you and start reaching your goals!  The best part?  Our service is FREE. 

You haven’t lived your best year yet!  Will 2020 be it?

Why Goal Setting Is the Only Way To Achieve Your Dreams

Career & Business, coaching, Health & Wellness, Life Coach Library, Personal Growth & Spirituality, Relationships & Family
how to achieve goals

Why Goal Setting Is the Only Way To Achieve Your Dreams

Hollywood superstar Denzel Washington recently gave a commencement speech where he famously said 

‘…You have these dreams. Dreams without goals remain dreams and fuel disappointment’

We all love to dream, think about the house we want to buy, that cool car we want to own or that high-paying job we are working towards. Unfortunately, a lot of people are never able to live their dreams and are stuck in an unhappy place.

While some people like to call themselves lazy or even unlucky, the biggest difference between a dreamer and a doer is setting goals.

The idea of setting goals is nothing new. Over 2,000 years ago Aristotle explained this as final causality.

According to him, the only reason why people do something because they have a basic purpose and a need to achieve it.  

This simple factor drives the world and takes us forward.

In the 1960s, Edwin Locke researched this idea and conducted tests that culminated in the ‘Goal-Setting Theory’.

His research work has been celebrated for years, especially in the business world, with corporations following many of his conclusions.

Interestingly though, most of his research has even better applications in our private lives. To get more out of your life and turn your dreams into reality, you will need to:



1. Make specific goals:

Having a big house or making that career move are great goals to have. However, uncertain or ambiguous goals might not take you anywhere. The idea is to be very specific about the goals you have and build upon them.

For example, to say that you want to lose 20 lbs. by the end of the year is not a specific goal. Humans are emotional and such vague aspirations do not motivate us.

A better way is to set a goal of e.g. losing 2 lbs every month or cutting out on sugar and carbs. Such specific goals help us to act immediately and work on our dreams.

  • Turning dreams into reality takes effort:

If you want to change your life, make your marriage work, earn more or buy that house, you will have to work hard for it. There are no short-cuts, no lottery tickets to be won and no one is going to help you.

The good thing about setting small, quantitative goals is that it automatically pushes people to work that harder.

For example, if you are looking to buy your dream car, your goal should be earning an extra income. This way you will push yourself to work overtime and get closer to your objective.

  • Goals make us more persistent:

Read How to Get and Stay Motivated

Setbacks are a part of life and usually throws a lot of people off. You might have had a bad day at work or a fight with your spouse.

A bad day at work can be emotionally challenging and a bad marriage can be life-altering.

However, research has shown that the aim of achieving well-articulated goals make us more persistent against setbacks and generally makes us more resilient in life.

  • Goals can change our behavior:

Research has shown that having well-defined goals can gradually alter our behaviour and make us improve ourselves. E.g. if you are trying to lose weight you might have a goal of reducing your calorie or sugar intake. With such small, specific goals, you might not only shed away the pounds but alter your eating habits for the long-term.

How to Develop effective goals

Make sure the goals you set for yourself really make you work towards your dreams. For effective goal-setting make sure:

Your goals are clear – Goals should be SMART i.e. specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and time-bound. Make sure your goals are simple, clear and have a certain milestone or deadline. Without setting deadlines your goals will take you nowhere.

Also, complex goals are not easy to implement, thus be practical and realistic about them. You should also be able to keep track of your progress and measure your success.

Challenge yourself – While your goals need to be realistic, that does mean they should be easy. Only by challenging ourselves can we break free from our comfort zones and do something beyond the ordinary.

Commit to it – You need to commit to your goals and set up some kind of a feedback system so you can understand how close you are to your goal. E.g. if you are aiming to lose some pounds, record your weight every week and keep on measuring it. A feedback system helps us to stay committed to what you are doing.

Most people never achieve their dreams because they are never fully committed to it. A lack of quick results demotivates most people. Hence, stay focused and committed!

Have an Action Pan – You need to have a complete action plan to turn your dream into a reality. Your action plan should consist of key milestones you want to achieve and when e.g. you dream of becoming a TV producer, you need to start with small internships, take relevant college courses and work your way up. There should be a complete strategy for whatever you want to achieve in life.

In all this, we should never forget the importance of our present. Currently, you might be a young professional or even a fresh graduate. However, 5 years ago, you dreamed of being where you are right now.

On an unconscious level, you did have a plan and goals in mind and you worked hard for it. We usually don’t enjoy the situations we are in and are always looking for a ‘better’ future. While this is human nature, we need to appreciate our present and where we are in life to fully realize our potential and prepare for tomorrow.

Hence, if you need to change something in your life, make a plan and start following it. If you believe saying sorry to someone right now can save your relationship, do it now! If you believe applying for a new job might help you increase your income, don’t think and do it now!

Having someone to help you set powerful goals and stay focused on them can be the difference between success and failure for many.  Professional life-coaches are trained to help their clients gain clarity on their values and set goals that are in line with their authentic selves.  They help you stay motivated and hold you accountable.   Bring on the new year ready for success and try life-coaching risk free with up to 3 coaching sessions on us at Life Coach Library.com!

One Today is Worth Two Tomorrows (proverb) 8 Tips for Better Time Management

Career & Business, coaching, Health & Wellness, Life Coach Library, Personal Growth & Spirituality
stop wasting time

Sometimes life is defined by either time or money.  Sometimes we have plenty of time, but don’t seem to have the money to do what we want.  Others, we have enough money, but simply can’t muster the time.

Time is the most valuable commodity in the world. You cannot buy it or produce more of it, and once time goes by, you can never get it back or makeup “lost-time.” While we have all slacked at some point in our lives, the biggest regret of most isn’t that they were active and made mistakes but did doing nothing and wasted time.

In our professional lives, time is money; In our personal lives, (enjoying) time is happiness. Whether you are an entrepreneur, a senior manager, or just someone trying to build their career, better time management can make the difference between reaching your dreams and being able to enjoy them when you get there.  

Ideally, you want to be productive at work, have a healthy social life, and still be able to spend quality time with your family. We all have the same 24 hours in a day; what differs is how we utilize them. We have come up with the top 8 tips that can help you better manage your time and achieve more in life!

1. Make a to-do list

This is one of the oldest tricks in the book and the simplest to follow. Prepare a to-do list to better understand what you need to do and when. It can be an hourly, daily, or weekly task list.

The idea is to be very clear of the tasks that need to be completed. As you complete each task, check it off the list and move on to the next. If you’re a procrastinator or just feeling completely overwhelmed, add things that you can complete in the next 10 minutes.  

Start with ones that are quick and easy to complete then progress to the bigger, challenging ones. There is a certain satisfaction you get as you move down the list, and it will keep you more motivated throughout the day.

2. Prioritize your tasks

Remember to prioritize your work. For effective time management, it is better to compartmentalize and complete the more urgent tasks first.  What’s urgent may not always seem essential.  If you have a big report to write, it’s probably more important than responding to an email your boss sent, but I assure you answering your boss is more urgent at that moment.

Know yourself and what keeps you pumped.  Is it better for you to tackle difficult tasks first? Or do you prefer to start with the more manageable tasks and knock them off your list?    Once you’ve decided what the most urgent and important things are, do whatever works best for you.

3. Remove distractions

Multi-tasking is a buzz word from the ’90s that has caused more harm than good.  We’re so technologically advanced that we think we can have a meeting on Skype while writing a report and texting friends to make plans for the weekend – This does not work!  Nothing gets done correctly, and the long-term results can be harsh when it’s time for performance reviews.  

For better time management, you need to concentrate on one task before moving to something else.  You get out of it what you put into it, so give tasks 100% of you, this is even more important if you have a short attention span or suffer from ADHD.

Learn the art of saying “NO”.  If someone asks you to take on extra work, politely decline when possible.  Saying yes to others is often saying no to yourself.    You can’t make everyone happy all the time, and only you know your limits.

It takes confidence to say no, but it will your life easier and help you better manage your life!

Don’t be afraid to close your door; turn your cell phone off; not answer every email in your inbox; and hunker down on an important task.  It’s ok to be selfish with your time, and you must be when you want to be most productive and efficient.  

4. Eat better and exercise

Eating healthy and exercising regularly can have a massive impact on your physical and mental well-being. It can keep you feeling fresher and active, giving you more energy to keep you going throughout the day.

One of the primary reasons many people miss deadlines is because they feel sick, tired, or stressed all day long.   Having chronic caffeine or sugar withdrawals wreaks havoc on one’s concentration and stamina to see tasks through to completion. 

Staying fit and healthy is a great way to combat this and can help you get more out of your day. This is even more important as you get older. For better time management and to stay active, work on a healthy lifestyle.

5. Get some sleep and start your day early

Speaking of healthy lifestyles, never skip on a good night’s sleep.  Many young professionals do not get enough sleep, making them feel tired and irritable throughout the day without realizing that sleep deprivation is the culprit.  This has a direct impact on efficiency, forcing you to be under-productive.

The most successful people in the world start their day early and for a good reason!

Waking up early gives you enough time to start your day casually. You can have a good breakfast, read the news, exercise or answer emails, and avoid that daily race to work.  Science proves that the first 20 minutes of your day have a lasting effect (Entrepreneur).  Use yours wisely, and you will set the tone for the rest of the morning and afternoon.

Be disciplined, get rest, wake with a lot of energy, and crush the day!

6. Take breaks

Don’t try and be a superhero and work non-stop all-day everyday. Taking short 10-15 minute breaks throughout the day helps to revitalize, relax, and keep you calm.  Every 2-3 hours, get up from your desk, go for a walk around the office or building, drink some water, and just let yourself regroup.  

7. Outsource or delegate whenever possible

We all want to believe we are amazing and can do everything ourselves, that we are in complete control. We would rather do things ourselves than ask someone else, possibly because we don’t trust people to do it right and believe we can do it better, or we simply don’t know how to ask for help.  Try and view “problem tasks” as “challenges” and make a game out of them.  When that doesn’t work, it’s time to look elsewhere.

Successful people know how to decide what to do themselves and what to delegate responsibility, whenever and wherever possible.  Chances are if it’s making you miserable, someone else is better for the task or can at least help you get through rough spots.   The ability to trust your team is a bit difficult but is essential for improving time management and your lifestyle.

8. Establish routines

With practice, you can discipline yourself to have a routine that makes your day work like a well-oiled machine

When you are consistent about the time you go to sleep, wake up, exercise, get to work, have lunch, and everything else you do routinely during the week, you will have successfully managed your time instead of allowing your tasks to manage you.

Expect hiccups now and then, but working on this type of discipline will go a long way in meeting key milestones and achieving daily goals.

What to Do When Your Boss Is a Jerk

Career & Business, Health & Wellness, Life Coach Library, Personal Growth & Spirituality

A dream job could turn into a nightmare when you have a boss who seems to go out of their way to be a jerk to you. Sometimes, they seem to get some twisted pleasure in making you miserable. Some environments have such a toxic culture; the employees have come to think it’s normal for their bosses to behave this way. Worse still, they believe it’s a rite of passage.

Dreading Monday

It can be so bad that you get depressed the moment you realize after a beautiful weekend that you have to resume work on Monday. The thought of sharing the same building with such a boss is incredibly depressing and can ruin your mood for the rest of the day or the whole week. You even get the feeling your boss hates being at work almost as much as you do.

My boss is a jerk

You know the one: No matter what you do, it’s never right or enough. You could be on your own, doing your own thing, or you could be asked to perform a task. You give it your best shot, but all you get is a barrage of complaints and criticism at the end of the day. It doesn’t matter what industry you are working in; jerk bosses can be anywhere.

Then there’s the one who probably has no life of his own and expects you to stay after hours to do things that could quickly have been done during the workday or are entirely above and beyond your job description AND pay grade! 

To put things in perspective, Robert I. Sutton provided a robust definition of who a jerk boss is. He is quite knowledgeable in this field as he’s a Stanford University professor and New York Times best-selling author of The No-A$$-hole Rule.  He is referring to the manager who leaves you feeling de-energized, disrespected, and demeaned. 

In a perfect world, you have a great boss and love going to work.  If you don’t, you might want to consider a career change.   In the meantime, when you have no other option than to go to your hellish job so you can survive and pay the bills, consider these career tips to make it bearable.

 

Take it in Stride and kill them with kindness.

Usually, when people treat others poorly, it stems from deep insecurity and fear they have of their leading potential.  They somehow confuse intimidation with leadership.   Meeting them with anger and resentment only makes things fester and get worse, especially when they have the power to make your life miserable.  According to Sutton, in such a situation, treat them with respect, kindness, and give them genuine compliments.  At the very least, you’ll confuse them, but chances are, you will gradually soften their brashness and create a better space for yourself. 

This move may not work in all instances if your boss is a power-hungry and derives joy in treating people like dirt. In that case, it’s a defensive move—think of them as the miserable person they are, feel sorry for them,  smile, and move on!  Or, in your mind, see them as a comical figure. By doing this, you create an emotional distance.  It’s not worth getting upset or angry at The Joker so just laugh (to yourself)  at their irrational behavior. 

Limit interaction to the minimum needed to do your job.

You tried. Remember, you only have control of how you act and react, not how other people receive you.   Their attitude is not going to change, and there isn’t a thing you can do except take care of yourself.

You have to figure out a way to survive, and we recommend space and distance.  Create as much of it as you can so that their negativity does not pollute your psyche.

Give yourself kudos for not stooping to their level. Be graceful about the situation and act like their hurtful words little spit-balls that a 6-year-old would spew out.  In time, you’ll develop a thick skin, and it won’t affect you as much.

Consult with other colleagues or managers when you need help as the first line of defense.  When there is no way around dealing with them, be polite and respectful but get straight to the point so that your meeting is as brief and professional as possible.   

Take advantage of modern technology.

Here’s another easy way to create space and distance: instead of having face-to-face interactions, try to communicate electronically whenever it is useful and appropriate.   It’s much easier to brush off sarcastic comments when they’re online, and if you get heated, you have time to pull yourself together before engaging in any drama.    

If they send several unpleasant emails—don’t reply to them immediately. Get yourself together, compose a short and polite reply to that email. Try not to get into the vicious cycle where you keep getting angry and offended by everything they say.   

Know the situation and the jerk you’re dealing with.

Take a moment, sit down and do a thorough analysis, ask yourself;

  1. How much power or control do I have over the situation?
  2. How much am I suffering?  How can I look at this differently for my sanity?   

If you have a boss who is insulting you, dumping on you, and being disrespectful, try not to retaliate or fuel their anger.  Sometimes, when you look closely at the situation you find yourself in,  you realize your boss is criticizing you because the job is beyond anyone’s control, or it’s entirely a broken system.  Instead, approach them when they’re calm and express your irritation as polite as you can.

If you believe that won’t work, bypass him and go to their superior or directly to Human Resources to file a complaint.   It may be better to bond together with your coworkers experiencing the same problem, form a coalition, and try expressing how toxic and hostile the workplace has become a group. This way, it would become difficult to push people around or single out one person.

When you document and complain as a collective group, you’re more likely to get the problem sorted out than when you try to do it alone. Don’t rush, get your facts right, get concrete proof, and make sure there’s no dissent among you. Then present your evidence to an impartial person in authority.

Don’t quit in rage

Don’t hesitate to resign if you no longer feel safe at your workplace, or you’re being demeaned and insulted constantly. But don’t make any decisions in rage. Plan a departure so that you can leave the company on the best terms possible, you never know when you may need to use them as a reference, and if you storm out, you’ve burned that bridge.  

Consider your options and make a plan.   If you’re unsure how to come up with a sound strategy, consider working with a career coach.   They are skilled at helping you clarify your goals and putting into action a plan that brings results.   One of the most grueling experiences in life is the job-search, and having the extra support of a professional will help you stay focused and sane through this tedious process.

It can be so bad that you get depressed the moment you realize after a wonderful weekend that you have to resume work on Monday. The thought of sharing the same building with such a boss is extremely depressing and can ruin your mood for the rest of the day, or the whole week. You even get the feeling, your boss hates being at work just as much as you do.

You know the one: No matter what you do, it’s never right or enough. You could be on your own, doing your own thing, or you could be asked to perform a task. You give it your best shot, but all you get is a barrage of compalints and criticism at the end of the day. It doesn’t matter what industry you are working in, jerk bosses can be anywhere.

Then theres the one who probably has no life of his own and expects you to stay after hours to do things that could easily have been done during the workday or are entirely above and beyond your job description AND pay grade!

To put things in perspective, Robert I. Sutton provided a robust definition of who a jerk boss is. He is quite knowledgeable in this field as he’s a Stanford University professor and New York Times best-selling author of The No-A$$-hole Rule.  He is referring to the manager who  leaves you feeling de-energized, disrespected and demeaned.

In a perfect world, you have a great boss and love going to work.  If you don’t, you might want to consider a career change.   In the meantime, when you have no other option than to go to your hellish job so you can survive and pay the bills consider these career tips to make it bearable.

The 12-pounds of Christmas

coaching, Health & Wellness, Life Coach Library

…tis the season to get chubby, fa, la, la, la, …….what?

For many this is the case.  When being festive translates over-eating, over-drinking, and over-spending those extra pounds seem to just show up one morning, and omg, what happened? While we’re there, can somebody please explain to me how eating a 1-pound box of chocolate turns into a 3-pound weight gain?      Just asking for a friend.

There are always options in life.   If you’re like me, not engaging in the holiday indulgences is not one of them though.  Which leaves us two other options:

A: Eat, drink, and be merry until the jeans don’t fit and it’s not so merry anymore  

B: Earn dessert with some extra workout activity.

As busy as life can be, traveling for work, having kids at home, it’s mid-November and too damn cold to go for a walk or run, here are 3 work outs you can do in your own living room or a hotel room.  All you need is the decision and commitment to not give into the 12 pounds of Christmas.  

#1. This ain’t just a booty call!

These exercises not only tighten the tush but they incorporate multiple muscles.  They build lean muscle tissue which torches calories during the workout and has a great afterburn (burning calories even in a resting state).  You can do all three exercises in 15 minutes while watching TV .  If you have hand weights, feel free to use them, but if not don’t sweat it, you’ll sweat plenty without.  For each exercise, do 10-15 repetitions, rest for 30-45 seconds, and then repeat 2 more times, for a total of 30-45 repetitions for each exercise.

#2. Get ready for family and in-laws!

If you’re one of those people who would rather go to the dentist than spend the holidays with your in-laws or even your own family, burpees will not only help keep you trim during the season but is a great way to vent all of the stress and angst that may build up in you.  Before, during, and after.   If you’ve never done burpees before, here’s a link to a quick You Tube video, Burpees for Beginners. These suckers scorch calories strengthen the entire body, and boost endurance Try and do 5 sets of 10 with 45-60 second rest periods in between.

 Forgive the crudeness but I’ve also heard these referred to as barf-ees.   Do about 30 of them and you’ll completely understand why!  Maybe that’s why their associated with…..never mind.  

If you’re super ambitious, alternate sets of burpees with push-ups or planks.

#3. At the core of everything is, well, your core!

Core exercises don’t just flatten your belly, they make you stronger and better at doing most other exercises.  Strong core muscles also improve your balance and stability.  The root of many body pains and injury’s stem from a weakened core.  The plank is the mother of all core exercises.  There are many variations of it, and they’re all super tough.  You read that right, they’re all super tough.   I’m a realist who won’t try and candy-coat it.  They engage over 20 muscles and work more than just your core.  Your arms, legs, shoulders, back and glutes will all get some of the love.   Here’s a couple of variations and the internet is prolific with plank choices and videos.  Try and hold each set for up to 60 seconds, then take a short 30 second break and start again! When you do this work out, shoot for as long as you can up to 30 minutes.  

Try a plank drag. It burns a ton of calories.  You’ll need a smooth floor surface for these.  They are like the stationary plank above but put a towel under your feet.   Try “walking” with your hands while dragging your feet, which should slide.   Depending on the size of the room, one trip back and forth is one round.  Shoot for three rounds to get your heart pumping and rev up your metabolism. 

Side plank: Lie on your side with your legs stacked on top of each other.  They should be completely extended. Using your forearm and elbow to hold your body up while remembering to hold your abdominal muscles tight.   Don’t forget to breathe.  Lift your hips up so that your body is in a straight line from shoulders to ankles.

Side to side plank:  Start  with a basic plank.  From there, push yourself up, and place one hand at a time on the floor.  Make sure you keep your abdomen held in tight and do not let your back arch.   Try and stay in a straight line and do not let yourself sag in the middle.  Slowly use your hands to walk, (like you did in the plank drag) but allow your opposing leg to bend and use gently use that foot to walk across the floor. 

No one is saying this is easy and if you’re not already in an exercise routine, it may not be particularly fun either.  But hang in there, and it will be both before long.   While there isn’t any instant gratification here, you’re doing it because there is SO MUCH instant gratification everywhere else.   Remember that. 

If you feel like you’d do better with a boost of motivation and accountability, talk to a health & wellness coach.  They’ll not only help you get and stay on track, they’re skilled at helping clients overcome the beliefs that have interfered with or even sabotaged success in the past.  With a coach you will not only meet your goals faster than on your own, you will learn how to make your success permanent!!

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Cherish your health and wellness and become the best you

Health & Wellness, Life Coach Library
health coach

Every one of us wants to be the best at something.   The best employee in the workspace, the best student in class, the smartest or funniest or best looking, just be the best at something.  These ambitions are great but sooner or later, someone comes along and is better, and that’s just life.  

 But what if we just tried to be the best “us”?  Why not try and be the best version of you that you can possibly be?  Why not focus your energy something that will serve you today, tomorrow, and for the rest of your life?  Starting today, why not take your health and wellness to the next level? To quote  Michael Beckwith “ Energy flows where attention goes“.   Decide and act and you will begin to manifest becoming the best you.  

Healthy and balanced nutrition gives you that glow 

The word ‘’healthy” is often associated with eating nutritious and unprocessed foods but  too often people believe that means they are sentenced to a life of salads.  Let’s think that through-if you just eat salads not only are you lacking several vital nutrients, how long do you seriously think you can keep that up?  A week? If you’re really driven a month?  Nutritional guidelines determined by the British Nutrition Foundation encourage eating a variety of foods that allow your body to get all the required nutrients.  Even the sweet stuff is ok in moderation.   Not only will your body appreciate the variety, your brain will too.  Restricting yourself causes angst and unconsciously you’ll form negative beliefs and ultimately set yourself up for failure and misery.   

Eating foods that help your body thrive will result in having more energy. You can forget the feeling of being bloated or so lethargic you need to take a nap after eating.  Your skin will start glowing and the excess pounds will fall off without struggle, not to mention the shrinking waistline 😊 These benefits are great but the best part is you will feel better about yourself and that brings a new level of confidence and happiness in life.  

Being active makes you stronger 

Have you ever tried to tally all of the hours you spend scrolling on your phone or sitting at a desk  working on the computer?   Did you know that sitting is the new “smoking”?   Sitting for extended periods of time causes a range of aches and pains, but it also causes mood swings, adds to stress, and literally is as bad your health and wellbeing as smoking cigarettes.   

If you knew you would not fail and you would reach your goals, wouldn’t you want to increase your wellbeing from whatever level you are at now   Kudos to you if you are already active in sports or you hit the gym consistently several times every week.  If you’re not there yet, it’s ok.  Start small.  Even 15 minutes a day will get you on your way to feeling better.   

You can do something from the convenience of your own home by following any one of the thousands You Tube fitness videos.  If that doesn’t work for you try walking during your lunch break at work, taking the stairs instead of the elevator, parking at the back side of the parking lot instead of trying to get a space next to the front door, anything to just get you moving more than you usually do.  You’ll notice you have muscles you didn’t know were there and that they’re getting stronger giving you a boost of confidence and motivation to keep going.  Then one day you realize that you’ve doubled your strength and stamina and you feel like a superhero.   THAT is a deeper sense of satisfaction than being the best at something outside of you.    

You are in control of your life 

Our “to do” lists are often so long we couldn’t do everything on it if there were 25 hours in a day.  From the moment we wake it can feel like life is controlling you and not the other way around, but it shouldn’t be like that. Living reactively is such a drag and not really living at all.  The truth is, you have a choice.   ‘’You have control over three thing in your life – the thoughts you think, the images you visualize, and the actions you take” – Jack Canfield.  

Find time for yourself, allow yourself to gain a deeper awareness of your strengths and weaknesses. Celebrate your strengths and view your weaknesses as game-like challenge to get better at. The better you understand yourself, you will realize the reason for every action you take and every reaction you  get.  Only then are you  in control of your life and able to take it to the direction that you truly strive for. 

Your confidence goes up 

Some people are born with natural confidence, many others learn it, while others seem to struggle. Everyone deals with low confidence once in a while but when lacking confidence is chronic, it’s time to look inward.  There are many factors that can affect confidence and health is a big one. Do you ever feel confident once you’re sick and lying in bed with tissues all over? Probably not. Ever notice that splurging on a treat feels brings happiness for a moment but when overdone makes you feel lousy and remorseful? How much better does it feel when you eat well and get some exercise?    

Having a healthy body, mind and social life allows you to feel happy  and automatically your confidence grows because you just feel good.  And that radiates.  People treat happy, healthy, confident people differently than those who don’t take care of themselves as well.  Healthy people are often more respected, have more success in their careers and relationships, and generally happier.  There are so many things in life you have not control over, but living a healthy lifestyle is a choice!   

Being a better you is better for everyone around you 

Relationships are a big part of our lives, be it our family, friends, coworkers, neighbors or even pets (my dog is practically my child).   To a large extent they are what defines our lives.  The key to having healthy, functional and fulfilling relationships is being the healthiest and most functional version of yourself.  Some people refer to this as Emotional Intelligence or EQ.  Learning how to manage our thoughts and feelings and understanding how they affect others is vital to having harmony with those we interact with.  When we learn to accept all of ourselves, we are then able to love others unconditionally.    

Finishing words 

Cherishing yourself allows you to feel stronger, better, have more self control, gain confidence and love others more.   Being the best you isn’t always easy but you are always worth the fight.     

At Life Coach Library, we make finding a coach you love convenient and simple.  All you have to do is register and fill out a brief questionnaire.  We will match you with up to three coaches who are exactly what you are looking for and they will all give you a free consultation. The best part…our service is complete FREE.   Visit lifecoachlibrary.com to find out more about the impact working with a certified coach will have.   

Learn more about achieving health and wellness!

What’s the Importance of Passion in Your Life?

Health & Wellness, Life Coach Library
reach your goals

“Nothing great in the world has been accomplished without passion.’
– Georg Hegel, German philosopher 

Some people make success look so easy!  Is it just a matter of luck?    In rare cases maybe it is,  but the truth of it is, very few people become successful without passion.  The guy with 6-pack abs is more likely to be hitting the gym 5 times a week he is genetically blessed, eating cookies while laying horizontal on the sofa.  The wealthy business owner probably spent years working hard and making sacrifices and is not an overnight miracle.  It looks easy when all you see is the result but not the process.  Great accomplishments take passion, and passion alone is not enough.  It takes passion AND strategy.  One without the other is futile.     

Passion doesn’t only help you reach success either.  Having a cultivated passion boosts happiness.  We’re not talking about taking passion to the level of obsession, but people who have what’s known as “harmonious passion” to experience more positive emotions and be more satisfied in their lives  (Jarrett).  

“When work, commitment, and pleasure all become one and you reach that deep well where passion lives, nothing is impossible.” ~Nancy Coey 

In some ways, passion is like talent.  Everyone has at least one.  Everyone.  However, not everyone has the bravery or the opportunity to embrace them. Sometimes, we get stuck in survival mode.   We simply do what is needed to survive; we choose practicality and safety over passion and fulfillment 

We stay in a job we can’t stand but the money is adequate, and it would take too much time and energy (possibly money) to do something we enjoy.    

We are in a relationship that has become mundane; maybe we’ve become friends but no longer passionate lovers.   We convince ourselves that it’s normal.  

Don’t get me wrong, it is necessary to have a steady income but when your only motivation (i.e. paycheck) is rewarded once every two weeks, how do you feel the other 79.75 hours?  If you once were madly in love but it has become routine and boring, are you convinced the passion cannot be revived so you don’t try?   

To quote one of my favorite speakers,  Les Brown,  “we’ve lost our drive, we got comfortable and parked the car.”  We work just hard enough to not get fired, we show up to our partners just enough to not lose them, we simply get in a comfort zone because we have lost our drive.  We have lost our passion. Maybe we forgot our passion or never even knew it because we were trying to fit into what others wanted and expected of us.  Those who have hunger are happier than those who do not.  Why? They have a sense of purpose and working towards a purpose gives meaning to life.  Human beings are not designed to live complacently, they are designed to conquer challenges 

 Here are a couple of  2 minute “uncover your passion” activities:  

  1. Imagine you just won a small lottery.  Enough money to afford you the opportunity to follow your dreams but not enough to check out for life.    What would you do for work? Who would you be with?  What would you do for fun? Where would you go?  Why are you not doing those things right now?  Peer pressure?   Comfort zone?  Fear?   When we  fear the worst, we give ourselves permission not to try.  When we expect better, we have vision.   
  2. In your mind, imagine have passed and write your eulogy.   I know this sounds morbid but think about how it will read if you change nothing in your life and you live for another 30 years.  Are you satisfied?   Do you have regrets?  Most people regret the things the didn’t do more than anything they did even if the results were unexpected.  Hopefully in 10 years you’ll still be around, but the question is where will you be, and do you want to be there?  

Learn more ways to Ignite Passion and Find True Happiness

When we get stuck in a comfort zone, we are walking around life half asleep, oblivious to what we could be experiencing.   We buy into the belief that it won’t get better and we settle.  Usually some form of extreme pain or panic is what it takes for us to wake up and become true to ourselves.  We suddenly have nothing to lose so we lose whatever fear holds us back and begin to experience life for the first time.  It’s akin to living in black and white until something happens and suddenly everything is in full technicolor.  No one knows how long they’re on this earth for but the we don’t have to wait for dire straits to live authentically.  You can decide right now, that you want to live and work passionately and make your life worthwhile. 

Knowing your passion and deciding to live true to yourself is awesome but it is only half of the process.  Maybe you’ve tried to fulfill your passions in the past, but it didn’t work out.   You’re not alone.   Most people set out to pursue their dreams, but they don’t have a plan.  They simply start and readjust as they go along.  Kudos to them for starting and that isn’t a bad strategy if it works.   However, if it doesn’t then something needs to change.  You need a plan. 

You’ve identified what matters most in your life and you’ve envisioned what it means to live an extraordinary life.  Starting with the end in mind, how do you get there? Where are you this time next year?  In 5 years?  10? 30?   

What habits do you need to cultivate to be the person who lives this extraordinary life? What action can you take right now to close the gap between where you are right now and where you want to be?  

Results will not come overnight but being proactive will bring gradual progress and naturally increase your energy and enthusiasm.  When stop reacting and conforming to the world around you and begin to live proactively and creatively, the fruits of success are yours to be had.   You will become the person others look at and wonder how it was so easy and why you are so lucky!  

Life coaches are professionals trained in helping their clients find and live their passions.  They will help you discover what you are authentically passionate about and help you make a plan that carries you from where you are now to where you want to be. Coaches hold their clients accountable to the actions they commit to and uncover what truly motivates them so that they stay the course! If you are ready to work with a coach and live your dreams, let Life Coach Library  find a life coach for you.  Simply register and fill out a survey, we do the rest, and it’s FREE!  

Live with Passion 

Time, Money, Your Love-life AND Opportunity: That’s what lacking confidence is costing you!

Career & Business, Health & Wellness, Life Coach Library, Relationships & Family
cost of lack of confidence

As both coach and client, I have been blessed with the opportunity to work with some truly amazing and inspiring people. I am eternally grateful to be “sandwiched” somewhere in the middle of what I perceive as some of the most accomplished and the most aspiring people on this planet. I am always fascinated by the exchange of ideas and perspectives that are shared. I have come to believe we are all both teacher and student, giver and receiver and ultimately here together on one journey committed to, and on some level, obligated to, carry each other along the way.  

I have witnessed success in people’s lives that are beyond my wildest dreams.  

Unfortunately, I have also witnessed what, at best, are living in mediocrity. Why do intelligent, hardworking, and competent people seem to underperform or just accept less? I have researched this and tried to analyze it deeply. I have discussed this with some of the most successful people I know at length. There is only one answer that comes up consistently. At the core of every theory is one common denominator: lack of confidence.  

When we think of people who struggle with self-assurance, many blatant images come to mind but seldom do we consider the subtle and insidious costs and consequences.  

What are the costs of lacking confidence?  

  1. Lacking confidence is costing you thousands of dollars:  

Studies show that blue-collar workers who test higher in self-confidence scales earn an average of $7,000 more than their lower-scoring peers. That same study reveals that professionals earn an average of $28,000 more (Neil Burton, M.D.).  

When managers seek to promote, often the person who exudes fearlessness will be chosen over someone who may be more capable but lacks esteem. People with confidence are often perceived as more skilled, even when they are not. They’re not afraid to ask questions or even make mistakes; they are seen as the “go-getters”. Unfortunately, bosses, clients, and customers make negative assumptions about people who exhibit behaviors of low self-confidence, believing they are incompetent or apathetic. That stinks, but it’s a reality of life.  

Less secure people are often timid about asking for raises or promotions. I have yet to meet a career or business coach who doesn’t swear that self-doubting clients stay stuck in comfort zones significantly longer than their confident peers. They have a greater need to feel safe, even if that safety is costing them endless opportunities, including living their passion. To step out of one’s comfort zone for necessary growth translates risk and possible rejection. Maybe they’re secretly waiting to be recognized and approached but, in most cases, it is those who are big and bold and speak up for higher positions and salaries are who receive them (Ashley Staht).  

2. Your most precious resource is time. Lack of confidence is stealing it from you: 

 Think perfectionism is a virtue? Not always true! In many cases, perfectionist doesn’t believe anything is ever good enough, including themselves. They will spend hours longer on projects trying to perfect every detail, simply because anything less than perfect is sub-par. While attention to detail is important and held in high regard, for them, this approach is very inefficient and leads to more frustration than satisfaction. Studies show that the delta between the work produced by competent people vs. that of the perfectionist is marginal and typically not valued as high as the extra resources utilized. Perfection simply does not exist. On top of wasting valuable time, the perfectionist will lose-out on joy because they are never truly satisfied with what they’ve accomplished.  

On the other side of the coin is the procrastinator. Not all procrastination is linked to self-confidence issues, sometimes it’s simply a matter of motivation. However, for those who are self-doubters, there is a vicious cycle of putting things off and then feeling bad about it. This, of course, leaves one even less motivated to do anything, therefore, putting the next thing off even longer, and then naturally they end up feeling even worse…and so on. Fear and worry are the culprits. There are hundreds of possible fears, but the fear of rejection, failure, or even success are the biggies. Worry is linked to the fears behind the fears, such as the approval of others or appearances.  

3. How can you get the guy/girl if you shy away?  

Low confidence will dramatically affect your love life. It will dramatically impact all of your relationships. According to relationship coaches, this is why:  

  • They second-guess their choices in friends/partners/bosses. Even worse, they are often skeptical of those who choose them. 
  •  They are constantly trying to analyze what the other person is thinking. They are in constant need of reassurance, which can be an energy suck for the other person.  
  • They often sabotage good relationships or stay in bad ones too long.  
  •  They often lose themselves in the relationship because they can’t set healthy boundaries.  
  • Also, because they are trying to win approval from others, they try to morph into being someone they aren’t. This is dishonest and unsustainable so there is seldom a happy ending.  
  • People who lack confidence usually a) take responsibility/fault for everything or b) take responsibility/fault for nothing. Neither are good.  

4Opportunities that you never even knew existed will be lost:  

Having confidence allows us to see opportunities that we would not usually see. Because confident people are generally more positive, they recognize potential that others would readily dismiss. Someone lacking confidence will view the situation as a problem, while the confident person sees it as an opportunity to succeed.  

Have you ever heard a motivational speaker that did not mention the power of the mind and positive thinking? Almost all agree that positive thinking creates more positive activity. Conversely, negative thinking creates more negative activity. Is there any question which one is which?  

What has it cost you? 

In short, if you see yourself in any of these scenarios or if you lack confidence it is costing you the happiness of leading the fulfilled life that you rightly deserve to live! What is the price tag of that?  

Are you ready to move on?  

How to be more confident now  

The good news is it doesn’t have to be that way! You cannot change your past but you can take control of your future. You have a choice to take action and overcome any obstacle that gets in the way.  

At the core of the matter are limiting beliefs. These are the negative thoughts that we form, subconsciously that undermine our success. They result in self-doubt and questioning our judgment. They prevent us from taking strategic risks, setting ambitious goals, and acting boldly on them.  

Luckily, by being aware of what your limiting beliefs are, you can change them into positive and empowering ones. When you change your thinking, you change your story. Once you do that, you see everything through a new filter and the world becomes a different place. It won’t happen overnight, but if you are willing to be honest with yourself, you can gain the esteem you desire.  

It takes courage. It takes persistence. But you can do it if you are willing to decide that your life is worth it.  

Feel like you need a life coach to help you overcome your limiting beliefs? Find a life coach today and open your life up to endless possibilities!  

How to get unstuck and move forward

Career & Business, Health & Wellness, Life Coach Library, Personal Growth & Spirituality, Recovery, Relationships & Family

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they feel overwhelmed, confused, depressed, in a funk, or just plain “stuck” – it happens to the best of us! It can be hard to get “unstuck” on our own, especially if it is our best thinking and acting that got us into a funk to begin with.

Why do we get stuck sometimes?

The reason we get stuck is because this is real life and not a fairytale where some conflict is overcome and everyone lives happily ever after. Real life doesn’t always go according to plan.   We can’t give people a copy of a script and expect them to follow their lines and act the way we want them to. No matter how hard we work, we don’t always have control over the outcomes.   At the end of the day, life is not always fair.

There are so many reasons we get stuck. Here are 6:

  • We simply cannot accept the outcomes of a situation and move on.
  • We believe we should be something or someone we are not.
  • We’ve compromised our values and settled for less.
  • We’re creatures of habit, we get into a comfort zone and are afraid or unwilling to step out of it.
  • We feel guilty or shameful about being stuck so we beat ourselves up.   Negativity only reinforces whatever is not working and keeps us stuck.
  • We repeat a pattern over and over again, thinking “this time” the results will be different, but they never are. In fact, many times they get worse.

Advice to help you get out of a rut today!

Regardless of why we are stuck, what matters most is “how does one get unstuck and move forward with their life?”   Deciding to take some action is the first step to getting out of a rut.

  • Let Go!: When we resist accepting things for what they are vs. what we want it to be, we suffer. It is healthy to experience our emotions, even sadness and disappointment, but getting trapped by them is destructive. Holding on to anger, grief, or guilt is living in the past and robs us of the ability to experience joy in the now. Acceptance is often the key to peacefulness.
  • Think small: Looking at the whole situation can be really overwhelming and cause analysis paralysis (overthinking something so much you cannot make a move).   Even the smallest step moving in the right direction will get you closer to your goal than waiting for the perfect execution. Start with small manageable changes and they will gradually become bigger, more impactful ones.
  • Get an attitude adjustment: Instead of looking at situations as problems, think of them as challenges and make solving them a game.   No matter how bad things seem, there is always something worse and much to be grateful for; instead of feeling like you have to do something, tell yourself you get to and see how much better it feels. This works for everything.   Try and focus on what’s right instead of what’s wrong; this will give you an energy boost to move forward.
  • Don’t go it alone:   Chances are your best thinking is in part why you are in a funk.   No shame or judgement; we all do the best we can with what we have to work with.   The problem is, we all have “blind spots” too and having a support system that is both objective and honest will shed a new perspective on things in the most helpful way.
  • Get comfortable with being uncomfortable and act: Insanity is often defined as “doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result”. If you want a different result, do something different! Sometimes just doing something is different.   Don’t worry if it’s not your ultimate best plan, as long as it is in line with your final goal. Even the best ideas and plans mean nothing if not followed up with action.

Remember, you are not alone! We all get stuck from time to time. The longer we stay stuck the harder it may seem to breakthrough. However, the change you wish for is possible as long as you are willing to make it happen.

If you’re still not sure if coaching is right for you, take our quiz, it’s under a minute!

Master Motivation in 6 Simple Steps

Career & Business, Health & Wellness, Life Coach Library, Personal Growth & Spirituality, Recovery, Relationships & Family

The most outstanding characteristic of successful people is the ability to set goals and take action to achieve them. Everyone can do both. Where many fall short is not in setting goals but taking the disciplined and sustained action needed for success.

Why??? Could it be people often go about tapping into the kind of deep motivation that will fuel the process from start to finish completely wrong? They muster up enthusiasm, will-power and determination and intensely focus on the “outside” stuff that must be controlled to produce desired outcomes.

While this may work for some people all the time, and all people some of the time, most people cannot sustain this and go the distance, and they repeatedly come up short. It’s like swimming upstream or running against the wind. So much energy is exerted yet eventually their enthusiasm peters-out and they are simply tired. What’s worse – not only is goal not met, but feelings of failure creep in to wreak havoc and leave them even less motivated than before.

Here are 6 strategies to boost motivation and jump start success today!

1. Create a crystal-clear vision: You must know what you really, really, really want and why you want it, or you cannot achieve it. First, think of a goal and imagine you already have it. Take a few moments to really let yourself experience what it will be like when you get there. Try to involve all 5 senses (sight, sound, taste, touch, smell). When you have a crystal-clear vision of what you want, you can begin to lean into that goal as if it has already been achieved and act the part.

For example: You want change careers and become a teacher.

  • See yourself walking through crowded hallways to a classroom; visualize how your classroom will be set up;
  • Hear the chatter of students quieting down as the bell rings. Hear yourself ask a probing question and engaging students in discussion.
  • Feel the dust of dry erase marker on the whiteboard; the stack of papers you are collecting for review. Feel the sense of satisfaction you have when you see progress.
  • Smell the fresh make-up and mix of perfumes from blossoming high school girls or the construction paper and glue for elementary students’ activities.
  • Taste the coffee you’ll sip in your classroom while planning (I do not recommend imagining the awful cafeteria lunches that hopefully you’ll never have to eat 😊)

2. Know why you want it. Go at least 3 deep in asking yourself why. The answers can be extrinsic (money, schedule) or intrinsic (pride, satisfaction):

  • Why do you want to teach? There’s a shortage of teachers and I like helping people.
  • Why do you like helping others? I’m good at finding what makes people tick and it feels good to help them.
  • What feels good about it? Deep connection with others it what makes me feel alive.

When you uncover your reason behind your reason, you are uncovering gold! Within the deeper reason is what your true motivation and passion are and identify a true purpose.

Ever notice how most people perform better under pressure? It’s because deadlines (or whatever is causing that pressure) give them a sense of purpose. That’s why people go on diets before big events, clean their house best before company arrives, save more money when they have something specific they want to buy. Acting deliberate and with a sense of purpose will keep you fired up, especially when the unexpected comes up.

3. Write your own eulogy: Yes, you read that correctly. As morbid as that sounds, many a great motivational speaker and writer suggest doing this. I have done it myself and must agree. None of us are here forever and beginning with the end in mind will help you to truly define what who you want to be and what you want to do.

Imagine those last few minutes where you are looking back on your life like you are watching a movie about yourself. What kind of person were you? What did you accomplish? What did you not accomplish that you wish you did? What is the one thing you will be most remembered for?

Using this insight, work backward. Make a plan that you can start today that will, over time, get your life aligned with to how you want the story to read. What is the smallest first step (see #4) you can take right now? What get’s in the way of you taking it? Are you afraid?

Everyone has some fear. You’re not human if you don’t. but fear shouldn’t run your life. Instead, run to what you fear, it’s never as bad as you imagine and on the other side of that fear is what you really want. Just the act of doing something you’re afraid of is empowering and creates confidence which is where success lives.

General George S. Patton is often quoted in saying “Fear kills more often than death!” You only die once, but fear kills you every time you give in to it!

4. Do one thing daily that is out of your comfort zone. If you want to lose 20 pounds but feel stuck, don’t lie to yourself in thinking if you can’t stick to the perfect diet and exercise routine, it’s not worth trying! Pass on one snack that you usually have or do just 5 minutes more exercise than your daily average.

Focusing on everything needed to reach the end goal is often overwhelming and leads to greater procrastination. Even the smallest step is a step and doing something small today will get you much closer to goal than thinking about big steps for weeks, months, or years without action. Give yourself credit for even the small victories, as feeling successful will create more energy and motivation to do more things that lead to success.

Don’t be a perfectionist. To some, perfectionism seems virtuous, but it can be self-sabotaging in so many ways. Perfectionists are almost never satisfied and

usually rob themselves of feeling joy with their accomplishments. Don’t let this be you.

Lastly, how you act is who you become. Doing one thing daily that is in line with your goal is how you become the person you want to be and achieve your goals.

5. Never be the smartest or most ambitious person you know. Surround yourself with winners:

People who are optimistic and positive thinkers are not only the most pleasant to be around, they are typically more creative, inspiring, and successful. When you’re looking for ideas and influences to keep you moving forward, you must draw on something bigger than yourself. Open yourself up to new ideas through other people who have what you want to achieve. Even if you don’t use their ideas, they may inspire your own creative genius. Have a friend or mentor or a life-coach who will help you come up with winning strategies and keep you honest and accountable. You must do it yourself, but you don’t have to do it alone.

If you’re surrounded by pessimists and cynics, you’re in a toxic environment and nothing extraordinary comes from toxicity. If you can’t lose them completely, keep a strong network of positive thinkers to help you stay on track.

6. Live in the NOW. It’s the only place real happiness can exist.

Yesterday is gone. Realistically, your memories of it are probably either full of guilt or nostalgia.

Tomorrow isn’t here. If you’re living in tomorrow, you’re either worrying about things you can’t control, or you could be confusing hope with discontent.

If you’re not happy NOW, you won’t be “when…” Hoping for something better means something is missing now and truth is when happiness depends on something outside of NOW, it only lasts for 20 minutes and then you’ll focus on the next think you need to be happy.

If you’re not happy now, try a gratitude list. No matter what life is handing you, if you’re sitting upright and reading this you likely have something to be grateful for. Read: Gratitude for Happiness.

Final thoughts:

These are just a handful of ways you can take control of your inner voice and get the motivation juices flowing. There are countless others, the key is finding what works for you. Wanting to achieve a goal is fruitless if youre not willing to make a change that includes action.

These strategies are ones I’ve learned over 30 years of passionately pursuing personal growth. In that time, I have read dozens of self-help books that have inspired core-level changes in my thinking. It’s not possible to credit every book and author that may have influenced this post but I’d like to shout out big thanks to Dr. Joe Vitali, Steve Covey, Steve Chandler, Tom Hoobyar, Susan Sanders and Tom Dotz, whose written works truly are the motivation behind this post.

If you’re still not sure if coaching is right for you, take our quiz, it’s under a minute!

6 Times You Should Hire a Life Coach

Career & Business, Health & Wellness, Life Coach Library, Personal Growth & Spirituality, Recovery, Relationships & Family

When is the best time to hire a Life Coach?

Studies on the effectiveness of life-coaching show that 99% of people who work with a coach have a positive experience. According to a survey conducted by The International Coaching Federation’s nearly that same number find it effective and report they will work with a coach again in the future.

So when do people hire a life coach?

We have found that every great coach has a great coach. Here are the times great coaches will work with their coaches and we suggest you do too:

1. You’re inspired but unsure “I’m gonna make this happen but HOW do I make it happen?

You have a dream, a vision, and/or a goal. You’ve either tried and didn’t get there; started with excitement and enthusiasm, only to peter-out halfway through; or you simply do not know where to start. Whether you want to lose a few pounds, find the love of your life, make a total career switch, or build the business of your dreams, a great coach can help you overcome obstacles, strategize next steps, keep you accountable and motivated, and support you while you create your dream. They also can see your “blind-spot” and help you avoid making costly mistakes.

2. You wake up one day feeling blah and realize “Nothing is happening”

You’re simply stuck. Things aren’t bad but they aren’t great either. Nothing is really exciting you and you’re just out of ideas. A coach can help you uncover why you’re stuck, form a collaborative think-tank with you, and reenergize your plans to start moving forward. They will help you reignite passion for life and find your purpose, causing a whole new perspective will cause a total paradigm shift.

3. You’re overwhelmed and wonder “What the heck is happening?”

Sometimes in life things are beyond our control and nothing seems go right or make sense. There are always things we cannot control but the one piece we can control is ourselves. Sometimes the root is our own belief systems, others it is because we have changed while than others haven’t, or have we just changed differently OR beliefs that worked in the past no longer serve us anymore. Having a skilled and objective coach can help to quickly identify any beliefs that are running in the background and raise your conscious awareness and making moving forward virtually effortless.

4. You’re so excited “Something wonderful happened

Yay for YOU! You started a new business, got promoted, married or had a baby, suddenly you don’t recognize your life anymore because life as you knew it no longer exists. Change, even when it is fantastic, can throw us off center. So many unexpected things come with change, even good ones. Your coach can help you navigate this new beginning and support you in transition.

5. You’re in a good place but “Now what happens?

Maybe you’ve just overcome a major obstacle and are out of the weeds so to speak. Now what? Overcoming a crisis can be exhausting and leave us feeling empty and off center. When things go from crisis-mode to maintenance, its not always easy to shift gears back into production. Fortunately for you, you are closer than you think! A great coach will help you figure out when your next steps can be. They will help you create that amazing life you’ve been dreaming about and support you through exciting elements that may a little scary but in the most wonderful way

6. You’re not feeling up to par “Something Terrible happened

Life is not always kind. Loved ones pass away, relationships end in heart-break, healthy people succumb to illness, jobs are lost…. It can just really stink sometimes. I am so sorry if this is you. Having a strong support system is so important when life takes a turn. It’s not always easy to turn to friends in these

situations and having someone who allows it to be “all about you” by offering you their undivided attention and compassion allows you to process in a confidential and safe place. There are no shortcuts through the grieving process, but a good coach can help you find the path back to living happily and lighten the sadness and despair.

Ultimately, you are embarking on a life-changing experience if you are open-minded and willing to try new things. A coach will improve your self-awareness, help you stay focused, and access your greatest talents while keeping you motivated to go the distance. You might be able to do this on your own if you are super-disciplined and ambitious, but you can do it so much quicker with motivation and accountability behind you.

If you’re still not sure if coaching is right for you, take our quiz, it’s under a minute!

Why Online Coaching is Your Best Option

Career & Business, coaching, Health & Wellness, Life Coach Library, Personal Growth & Spirituality, Recovery, Relationships & Family

Congrats! You’ve decided to take the plunge and be proactive in reaching your goals of getting into the best shape of your life, sparking up some passion in your love-life, or improving your work-life balance. Now, you’re just wondering if online coaching is the right choice…. For most people it is! And, here’s why.

1. You’re probably already uber busy!

One of the best parts of working with a coach is saving time in reaching your goals. What gain is working with a coach if you spend the most limited resource any of us have, time, trying to find the right coach and getting to and from coaching sessions? Between the commute, a full-time job, family, squeezing in a happy-hour with friends, the gym…where is the time to find a coach you love and travel to and from appointments? The flexibility offered by online coaching leaves you much more time to actually do what you love and put your energy towards reaching your goal. Coaching happens anywhere you take your cell phone or tablet.

This is only the start of why online coaching is the obvious solution.

2. It is simple to find the perfect coach

Finding the right coach is a matter of finding the right chemistry and that means you may have to talk to a few. We recommend three. Think of some of the professionals and services you use in your life: doctors; lawyers; mechanics; hair stylists; home services; etc. Wouldn’t it be awesome if three of each would give you a free sample of their service before you made any commitment? Most of the time, just getting an appointment takes several phone calls and possibly weeks to schedule. Being confined to local professionals is not ideal when the best candidate happens to live in a different state. With Life Coach Library, up to three coaches who can meet your specific needs will offer you a complimentary coaching session, and then you get to decide who you want to succeed with, all from the comfort of your home, car, or hotel room.

But wait, there’s still more……………

3. You can be completely anonymous

Anytime you do something to empower yourself you should be confident and proud. However, a lot of people still prefer to keep working with a coach confidential. Many people find it easier to open-up over the telephone vs. face to face, especially when they know their coach has no connection to any of their local associations and that everything they say is strictly confidential.

Our preliminary questionnaire gives you a chance to share in detail what you are looking to achieve. Based on your criteria, only the coaches who can serve you will contact you. Knowing you’ve got the right professional on the phone creates a safe environment to relax and talk about your deepest desires.

4. You become more empowered and independent.

Probably one of the biggest reasons why online life coaching is better than in person is the fact that you don’t get dependent on your coach and your coach remains completely objective. Coaching in person can create a slight dependency where they seem responsible for your successes and it can be difficult to detach when it’s time. An online coach will work with you to develop a strategic action plan, but you alone take those steps. You are never alone though as you do have access to your coach whenever you need a boost. Simply text or email him/her to keep you on track or share your mini victories along the way.

5. It’s Simply More Affordable

Online coaching limits the overhead costs for coaches, passing the savings on to you as reflected in reasonable coaching fees. The last thing you need to be worrying about is another massive bill being added to the pile. Online coaching is almost always more practical live coaching.

How to find an online coach?

As the coaching industry has grown in popularity, online coaching has become the preferred medium for coaching. In fact, online everything has become a way of life. Life Coach Library was designed by coaches who have been clients and have the best interest of both in mind. Potential clients have a convenient and risk-free way to experience the impact a coach can make. Coaches can utilize a platform that does extensive marketing for them so that they can spend more time doing what they love and do best ~ help people reach their goals! Just like a recruiter brings amazing employees to great companies, Life Coach Library connects goal-oriented clients to certified coaches. Sure, you can find a job on your own, and companies can scout out talent for their openings, but having someone who completely understands the needs of both cuts out the frustration and saves everyone time and money in the end.

That is why online coaching is the best option!

If you’re still not sure if coaching is for you, take our quiz, it’s under a minute!

Written by Wendy Cope, Positive Change Coach & Founder, Life Coach Library

How to Form Habits That Will Help You Reach Your Goals

Career & Business, Health & Wellness, Life Coach Library, Personal Growth & Spirituality

One of the keys to reaching a new goal is to have habits in place that support that goal. If your current habits are counter-productive, you’ll need to change them or face the reality of not reaching your goals.

How do success habits help you reach your goals?

Suppose you have the goal of running a marathon: if you don’t already have the habit of running regularly, your chances of you reaching is very low. Running regularly gets you closer to attaining your goal in several ways, including getting you in great physical shape and strengthening your endurance.

Developing supportive habits can be easier than you think and far more powerful than you can imagine!

Identify the Habits You Need

Before you create new, positive habits, you’ll want to figure out which habits will help you attain your goals. For every goal, there are habits that can pretty much guarantee your success. Reflect on your goals and what actions you can take to help bring them about.

Here are some habits that people who always reach their goals have:

1. Look for daily habits. Habits you practice each day are much easier to put into place and keep than those that are less frequent.

2. Keep it simple. The more complex the task, the less likely you are to stick with it. If you really do need to implement a complex habit, start with a simpler version and then add more complexity later. Set some SMART goals to develop new habits in your routine.

3. Be specific. It’s not enough to just specify what you’re going to do; include the how, when, and where as well. Time is always critical when creating a new habit. Be sure to specify a precise period of time in which you wish to implement the new actions.

  • So “I’m going to exercise 1 hour per day” is inadequate. “I’m going to swim from 6-7 am, Monday through Friday at the YMCA” is more like it. This has enough detail to be quite clear about what you want to accomplish and includes the how, when and where.

Prepare for Interference

There are usually obstacles to creating new habits and behavioral patterns. Try to figure out these possibilities ahead of time so you can eliminate them as soon as possible.

How to achieve personal success

For example, if you’ve decided that you’re going to eat a healthy breakfast every day, get rid of all the breakfast junk food in your pantry and freezer. That junk food is an obstacle to successfully implementing your habit. The obstacle might be time interference. Maybe your partner, child or family members do not usually leave you alone for 20-40 minutes every night so you can meditate, write, read, or whatever it is you want to do towards your goal. Simply let them know ahead of time that you need be undisturbed during this time.

Look for More Supporting Habits

When you determine supporting habits that will help you reach your goal, consider going even deeper into the details to find habits that will help you accomplish your other new habits.

For example, if one of your new habits is to make it to the gym every morning by 6:30 am, you can develop several supporting habits to help you establish this habit, such as:

  • Get out of bed by 5:45 am.
  • In order to get up at 5:45 am each day, you might need an additional habit of always being in bed by 10:30 pm.
  • Another supporting habit might be to pack your gym bag the night before.

These supporting habits are extremely importance to your success. Spend some time thinking about additional habits you can develop to support your efforts.

Just as counter-productive habits can keep you from success, supportive habits can aid to your victory. So, consider the habits that will best support your goals, put them into action on a daily basis, and enjoy your new success!

If you’ve tried to reach your goals on your own in the past and fallen short, or if you’re ready to start and want to save time in reaching success, try working with a life coach. A coach will help you stay motivated, hold you accountable, and strategize ways to overcome interference so you can stay on track. Life Coach Library makes finding a coach simple. Simply register and we will match you with up to three certified coaches. It’s free and each coach will offer you a complimentary coaching consultation so that you may conveniently find the right match.

Clifford Aning

empowercoaching.us

clifford@empowercoaching.us

A Beginner’s Guide to Meditation for Wellness

Health & Wellness, Life Coach Library, Personal Growth & Spirituality, Recovery

If you’re anything like I was, the word meditation brings up images of yogi’s sitting in lotus position chanting “ommm”~incense burning in the background, all in a quest to enlightenment.

For me, that misconception got in the way of sincerely engaging in what has become the single most positive and life-changing habit I practice. Got in the way for years and not until I discovered meditation on You Tube did I change my stance.

What are the benefits of meditation?

For thousands of years people have meditated to gain peace of mind, clarity and focus. Today, some begin on a doctor’s recommendation, others to find relief from painful thoughts or feelings, while others simply want to find greater self-understanding. Regular meditation has proven to have profound benefits mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Just to name a few:

  • Decreased blood pressure
  • Lower cholesterol levels
  • Decreased depression and anxiety
  • Restful sleep
  • Improved self-image and increased positive thinking
  • Longer attention span/concentration
  • Pain management

Why is meditation so powerfully effective?

Have you ever been overwhelmed and confused for a while until you just stopped to take time and think? And when you slowed down to really process you were able to see clearly, and simple solutions became obvious? Well, meditation is kinda like that ~ on steroids.

I’m not a guru or a neuroscientist, but based on my research here is a practical explanation:

When we are awake, our brains are busy. Like 40-60 thoughts per minute, busy. Only about 10% of those thoughts are conscious, while the other 90% are running in either the sub-conscious or the pre-conscious. Think of the pre-conscious as the “waiting room” between the other two. For most of us, a whopping 80% of those unconscious thoughts are negative (Psychology Today, 2012).

So, while we are having 40-60 thoughts per minute, our brainwaves are pretty rapid. These are called alpha or beta-waves. They correlate to active learning, thinking and processing information. I think of this an impenetrable and frenzied barrier that clouds any inner wisdom we may possess.

Photo by Davinder Ojaita

In meditation, the brain slows down to theta and delta waves, which is related to relaxation and heightened awareness. In short, it slows down the frenzy enough to open the door to the sub-conscious, leading to deeper self-awareness and visualization, a.k.a. inner wisdom.

In this relaxed state, we are able to uncover buried negative, fear-based, & limiting beliefs and then begin the process of weeding them out and replacing them with new, positive, and empowering ones.

Not quite feeling your inner guru? No worries!

In truth there are an infinite number of ways to meditate and none of them are wrong. The common thread amongst all meditative practice is the cultivation of awareness and expanded consciousness.

Learn to Practice Meditation

Here is a very simple process to help you get started in your practice:

Before beginning any meditation, I always set an intention. This is not a necessity to meditate, but it is what I do.

An intention is a positive thought that I hope to make a part of my unconscious schema. For example, years ago, doing deep inner-child work, I needed to release shame. I didn’t know I carried shame unconsciously because I never actively thought “I wasn’t good enough”. However, running in the background were core-beliefs that my worth was measured and valued by what I accomplished and how I looked.

So I wanted to be rid of shame, but telling myself “I don’t want to feel shame anymore” wasn’t going to cut it. It’s the right idea, but it is stated negatively. Stating a negative intention is sorta like getting into a taxi and telling the driver you don’t want to go to the train station, expecting him to know that means you want to go to the airport. Doesn’t work. Stated positively, I began to use the mantra “I AM ENOUGH” (right now).

To begin:

  • · Turn your cellphone OFF! Yes OFF, you can do it 😊 (IF you use your device for music/guided meditation, you may put it on Do Not Disturb)
  • Sit or lie comfortably. Not sure about you, but for me sitting on the floor with my legs crossed is not so comfortable after a few minutes. I prefer to lay down. Some highly recommend “grounding” by sitting or having your feet on the floor and opening your palms upward to increase “energy” flow. If you are comfortable with this, great. If not, don’t fret, it’s ok not to. The energy knows where to go and doing something that makes you feel awkward defeats the purpose of the whole experience.
  • Close your eyes and bring your awareness to your breath. Take 2–3 slow and deep breaths. In your mind, try counting to 5 as you inhale, pause for a count of 3, and slowly exhale counting back to 5.
  • Breathe normal. As you begin to relax, your breath will automatically slow down (your breath and your brain are in tandem so as one begins to slow, the other will naturally follow).
  • When your thoughts begin to scatter, (trust me they will) simply accept it. Don’t judge the fact that you are having thoughts or engage in them (this will only create angst) Just try to “notice” them like a cloud passing by in the sky and then and bring your attention back to your breathing.
  • As you breathe, notice your body from the inside. Bring attention to your feet, then to your legs, then your torso, and so on… Being aware of your body puts your awareness into the present moment.
  • Do this for about 5 minutes each day and gradually increase time.

When I began to meditate, I did the Chopra Centers 21-day Meditation Challenge, which I found on You Tube, along with thousands of guided meditations and meditation music tracks. I love, love, love using them. I find the best ones use binaural beats and do require headphones, so make sure you have a pair comfortable enough that you can forget you are wearing them. Binaural beats mean the sound in each side is traveling at a different speed. The impact of this is that when the brain processes them, it responds in slower waves that are best for expanded awareness.

Be patient, it takes 14–30 days for the unconscious to absorb new information and accept it as automatic. Meditating regularly will make happiness, gratitude, clarity, focus, and inner-peace your new normal.

By Wendy J. Cope, Positive Change Coach

References:

https://www.livescience.com/

https://faithhopeandpsychology.wordpress.com/2012/03/02/80-of-thoughts-are-negative-95-are-repetitive/

About Me:

I was a rebellious teenager and at the age of 20 found myself in a recovery program for drug and alcohol addiction. That was 30 years ago and I have been passionate about the pursuit of personal-growth ever since. At one point in my recovery I felt really “stuck” and needed to do something different. That was my first encounter with coaching. I completed a 12-week program and the changes I experienced were profound. Like more than 5 years of therapy profound.

I felt inspired to become a Positive-Change Coach and later to create a platform that serves both coaches and clients. Hence, I created Life Coach Library. Educating people and getting the message to them that they CAN reach their goals while providing a practical means for great coaches to grow their businesses is what Life Coach Library is all about. If you simply register and fill out a short questionnaire you will receive up to 3 coaching sessions on us!

Education:

I hold a bachelor’s degree from Hawaii Pacific University in Justice Administration and I’m currently pursuing a graduate degree in professional counseling from Walden University. Later in my career, I completed a career switcher program and hold a professional teacher’s license in Virginia and Delaware. Additionally, I am a certified hypnotherapist and Reiki master. I completed my coach certification at Coach Training Alliance, and I am committed to personal-growth and life-long learning.

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