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Break Free of the “Inner-child” (adult-child) Syndrome

Personal Growth & Spirituality, Recovery
limiting beiefs and inner child

Weed-out the faulty & limiting beliefs that do not serve you!

What is “the inner-child” and the “inner-child syndrome”?

A term coined initially by famous psychoanalyst, Carl Jung, the “inner-child” refers to the belief systems that are developed in childhood.  It is easy to grasp the idea that everyone’s belief systems are rooted mainly in childhood; after all, everyone learns about the world primarily from their parents. 

The “inner-child syndrome” refers to a term used to describe the dysfunctional or destructive behaviors that continue in some people’s adult lives.  These behavior patterns that occur as a direct result of thoughts and beliefs that run automatically or unconsciously.  Those thoughts come directly from childhood development (Steven Diamond, Ph.D.).

What are the issues associated with having limiting beliefs or “inner-child syndrome”?

There are numerous ways this can manifest in one’s life.  For the most concise list, I would like to refer you to The Laundry List of Adult-Children Of Alcoholics.  This compilation was originally written for children raised in alcoholic environments; however, psychologists recognize these traits as typical amongst various populations.   The mutual attributes being any form of abuse, neglect, or mental illness present in the home. 

For this article, I would like to focus on what I call living on “repeat”.   What I mean by that is often, as adults, we find ourselves in the same type of situation over and over and over.  

For example:

  • Getting out of a bad relationship, only to find ourselves in another lousy relationship
  • Getting out of debt only to rack up new debts
  • Losing and regaining the same 20 pounds repeatedly
  • Being taken advantage of by others again and again
  • Thinking you’ll be happy “if” (something changes) or “when” (something happens), only to realize that you’re no happier when those things occur.

…..there are countless other scenarios.

“We learn our belief systems as tiny children, and then we move through life, creating experiences to match our beliefs. Look back in your own life and notice how often you have gone through the same experience.”

You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise L. Hay

Why is it essential to revisit childhood to overcome limiting-beliefs and heal the inner-child?

Why can’t the past be the past? Because ultimately, at the root of living on “repeat” are unconscious limiting-beliefs that inform every thought, action, and therefore result in what we create in our life. 

With spring right around the corner, I will use planting a garden as an analogy to explain the importance of weeding out self-limiting and damaging beliefs so that adult-children can live fuller happier lives. .

You can’t change anything until you know what it is you are trying to change: Identify the Weeds

I am not a green-thumb by anyone’s standard, but you don’t have to have a degree in horticulture to understand that a critical step in growing a beautiful garden is to get rid of all of the weeds.

For the most part, weeds are just another type of plant that is growing in the wrong place. Some plants look like they could be weeds but aren’t.  Conversely, many weeds look like they could be plants. The belief system of an adult-child is quite similar.

Most weeds are harmless, but they just look ugly.   Then, some weeds are literally poisonous and will wreak havoc and destroy your flowerbed.   There are even some that are dangerous to other living creatures. They might be pesky to deal with, but wishing them away or ignoring them will not make them disappear. Neither will pretending it is a plant help it to result in beautiful spring tulips.  In fact, that sounds downright silly, doesn’t it?

One can also convince themselves that dandelions are harmless, and there is no use in working on getting rid of them.   That may be true, but the end result is accepting a second-rate garden.  Understating  the seriousness of a bishops weed could result in severe illness or death to a beloved pet.

So, even a wannabe gardener like me can wrap their head around the idea that the only way to get rid of them is to pull them out by their root; otherwise, they will just grow back and start the cycle all over again.

The Journey to Growing

To deeply heal the “inner-child syndrome” and overcome limiting beliefs, a couple of things have to happen so the journey can begin: 

One must look back to what went wrong in childhood, particularly in the early (birth to 7 or 8 years) childhood.   This does not mean they have to relive the experiences and “become” the emotions, but rather observe what happened with adult eyes to understand what happened and replace old damaging beliefs with new and empowering ones.  A great way to do this without reliving the pain is using an NLP technique called Association and Disassociation. 

Life Coaching for Less than a Latte: Crush Self-doubt and Unleash Confidence the workbook

For the wounded-child to begin to heal, it is critical to get it through to one’s core that what happened in the past was NOT THEIR FAULT.   I cannot stress that enough.   I have worked with many clients who intellectually know that events in their lives weren’t their fault but, on an emotional and even spiritual level, carried some guilt and shame.  At the core of their being, they got the message that if they were somehow better, smarter, quieter, cuter, etc., that mommy or daddy would have acted differently and real or perceived, they believed it.    

Awareness is the stepping-stone to change:  Once we are aware the real cause of “adult-child syndrome” is bad programming, we have two choices.  We can consciously decide to stop the denial; to stop hiding from the pain; to stop lying to ourselves;

OR we can perpetuate the narrative that everything is ok and believe that the same thinking that created chaos in our lives can somehow fix it, ultimately continuing to repeat the cycle of misery repeat again and again and again.  

That may sound harsh, but those are the two choices.

Fortunately, there is freedom in accepting this as reality.  It takes so much energy to try and “pretend” everything is OK when intuitively, we believe something is awry.   The effort it takes to attempt to control outward appearances (and seem “normal”) is exhausting and keeps us from using that same precious energy in pursuing our dreams.

Uncovering the damaging lies (weeds) that do not serve you anymore allows you to replace them with empowering truths (lilies) that will help you manifest the life you desire and deserve.    It is then that life begins to bloom.

You may like: Managing Depression During Covid-19 and Beyond

Change is possible, but it is not always easy to do it alone.  If you think you have characteristics of the “inner-child” and would like support in weeding out these faulty beliefs, why not try working with a professional Life-Coach?   Life coaches are trained at helping their clients overcome limiting beliefs and moving forward with their lives.  There are times when a psychotherapist is more appropriate than a life coach.   If the wounds of the “inner-child” are still very raw and painful, a therapist is a better choice as they will provide an environment conducive to healing.   If you are ready to move forward and need to breakthrough old blockages, a coach can be a game-changer in your life.   Life Coach Library makes it convenient to find the best coach for you, and the process is risk-free!

Looking at Life Through the Lens of Self-Love

Health & Wellness, Recovery
why self love is so important

At the core of happiness is self-love. It’s that strong sense of security one has both when life is going as planned, and when it’s not, it’s a profound satisfaction in knowing you are a fantastic human being, even though you are not perfect.   

Self-love can best be described as knowing yourself intimately, being well aware of your assets and having taken responsibility for your shortcomings AND having zero interest in hiding your true-self or pretending you are something you are not. For effect, I repeat zero interest in pretending you are something you are not. 

With self-love comes freedom

  • Freedom from fear of rejection: Will you still experience rejection?  More than likely.  I didn’t say freedom from rejection, I said freedom from the fear of rejection.  You’ll take chances knowing that even if (for example) the girl says no, you don’t get the job; the customer refuses to buy, it is no reflection of you, and you’ve just moved one “no” closer to a “yes.”   Without hesitation, you believe you have value, even if someone else is too blind to see it.   Sure, there will be times that people may judge you or even laugh at you, but you are not afraid of it b because you know you are enough.    
  • Freedom from financial insecurity:  Are you going to be rich?  I don’t know, that’s up to you.   Will you be in constant fear and worry about money?  NO!  You will have enough faith in yourself to trust your instincts; you will learn that you are resilient and resourceful and will find ways to meet your needs.   
6 Steps to Financial Security
  • Freedom from fear of failure:  I’m not guaranteeing you are going to be wildly successful at everything you do.  I’m saying you will embark on new things, take calculated risks and step out of your comfort zone because you are not afraid.   You are resilient; you look at outcomes as learning experiences, not a failure.  Besides, you know that the worst-case scenario seldom comes to pass anyway. 

It takes a shift in perspective

Will there be bad days, challenges, or storms in life.  PLAN ON IT.  Having self-love is not synonymous with living a life full of rainbows and unicorns.  Things will go awry, and when they do, it stings.   Badly.  Will you feel lousy when it does?  Probably.  You are still human, and grief is a valid, natural, and healthy emotion.   I suggest you do feel it, feel it fully, and then let go of it, so it doesn’t keep you down.  Think of it as an unexpected guest that is allowed to “visit,” but don’t let it “move-in.”      

How do you move on?  Change your perspective.  Instead of looking at the experience as a loss, consider it a gain.  You’ve paid the tuition of life so that you can become stronger and wiser.  It’s an investment that will pave the way for your next venture.  Failure only has the power that you assign to it; decide you are more powerful.    When you empower yourself, it’s easy to pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and move onward. 

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” 

Winston S. Churchill 

Read: Redefining Failure for Success   

With self-love comes opportunity

Opportunity can be created from the inside. When you love yourself, you have less fear. When you are free of fear, your vision is not clouded with worry over an endless list of “what if’s??”   Your energy is not sapped, trying to make others happy.  Intuitively you will know what the next right thing is, and confusion will evaporate.  You’ll be able to nurture and develop your passions and talents so that you are ready when the opportunity comes; you can see it and see it clearly.   

Read: If Only Life Came with a Tracking System… 

Are these new opportunities? Probably not, they have likely been there all along, but you may have been so clouded with fear and doubt that you missed them. It’s like when the sky is cloudy and gloomy for a while until it gradually opens up and the sun starts beaming down.  Eventually, the clouds disappear, and there’s nothing but brilliant blue sky above you. Everything becomes crystal clear, and one opportunity morphs into many. 

You can learn to love yourself

Here are 3 steps to learn self-love: It is a CHOICE

Forgive yourself 

Read: Guilt (and shame) Sap Confidence. 

Guilt is the biggest obstacle to knowing self-love.  It saps confidence and destroys esteem.  No matter where you are, where you’ve been, who you are, what you’ve done, you need to let that $#!T go! Believe that you did the best you could with what you had to work with.  Life isn’t always kind, and sometimes we are presented with challenges that didn’t bring out the best of us.  It’s ok, no one is perfect.  You’re here now, and at this moment, you are perfect; you are enough; you are worthy.  

If you can “right the wrong” do it, it will create positive feelings, and it will shut-down the space that guilt lives in.   Self-love is based on who you are, not what you do.  Self-esteem comes from what we do.  If you want to boost self-esteem, do self-esteem-able things.  Eat well, get some exercise, help someone in need, be kind to others even if they aren’t kind back!  Feeling good about the things you do will progress into feeling good about who you are.  

Choose the people you want in your life.  

Be fair to yourself. I just want to be practical here.  Sometimes we can’t choose who we spend time with but why volunteer to be around negative and toxic people who make you feel bad about yourself.  If they exist in your life, know that they are projecting their own baggage, and it’s NOT ABOUT YOU. 

Celebrate your successes  

Make a list of everything you’ve achieved and that you are good at. Think about your talents, hobbies, every little thing that you have ever been complimented for. Make a list, and read them at your own pleasure. Add to the list often.  Find 5 things positive about yourself for every 1 negative.  Do this for other people too because seeing the best in others affirms seeing it in yourself.  

Believe 

Everything you need to be the person you want to be lives inside of you right now. If you struggle to access it, get help,  I promise the answers you seek are within. We human beings are always moving. We are either moving to or from our dream, but we are never at a standstill.  When you shift into the gear of self-love, you can only move forward. 

At Life Coach Library, we make finding a coach you love convenient and simple.  All you have to do is register and fill out a brief questionnaire.  We will match you with up to three coaches who are exactly what you are looking for, and they will all give you a free consultation. The best part…our service is completely FREE.   Visit lifecoachlibrary.com to find out more about the impact of working with a certified coach will have. 

6 Times You Should Hire a Life Coach

Career & Business, Health & Wellness, Life Coach Library, Personal Growth & Spirituality, Recovery, Relationships & Family

When is the best time to hire a Life Coach?

Studies on the effectiveness of life-coaching show that 99% of people who work with a coach have a positive experience. According to a survey conducted by The International Coaching Federation’s nearly that same number find it effective and report they will work with a coach again in the future.

So when do people hire a life coach?

We have found that every great coach has a great coach. Here are the times great coaches will work with their coaches and we suggest you do too:

1. You’re inspired but unsure “I’m gonna make this happen but HOW do I make it happen?

You have a dream, a vision, and/or a goal. You’ve either tried and didn’t get there; started with excitement and enthusiasm, only to peter-out halfway through; or you simply do not know where to start. Whether you want to lose a few pounds, find the love of your life, make a total career switch, or build the business of your dreams, a great coach can help you overcome obstacles, strategize next steps, keep you accountable and motivated, and support you while you create your dream. They also can see your “blind-spot” and help you avoid making costly mistakes.

2. You wake up one day feeling blah and realize “Nothing is happening”

You’re simply stuck. Things aren’t bad but they aren’t great either. Nothing is really exciting you and you’re just out of ideas. A coach can help you uncover why you’re stuck, form a collaborative think-tank with you, and reenergize your plans to start moving forward. They will help you reignite passion for life and find your purpose, causing a whole new perspective will cause a total paradigm shift.

3. You’re overwhelmed and wonder “What the heck is happening?”

Sometimes in life things are beyond our control and nothing seems go right or make sense. There are always things we cannot control but the one piece we can control is ourselves. Sometimes the root is our own belief systems, others it is because we have changed while than others haven’t, or have we just changed differently OR beliefs that worked in the past no longer serve us anymore. Having a skilled and objective coach can help to quickly identify any beliefs that are running in the background and raise your conscious awareness and making moving forward virtually effortless.

4. You’re so excited “Something wonderful happened

Yay for YOU! You started a new business, got promoted, married or had a baby, suddenly you don’t recognize your life anymore because life as you knew it no longer exists. Change, even when it is fantastic, can throw us off center. So many unexpected things come with change, even good ones. Your coach can help you navigate this new beginning and support you in transition.

5. You’re in a good place but “Now what happens?

Maybe you’ve just overcome a major obstacle and are out of the weeds so to speak. Now what? Overcoming a crisis can be exhausting and leave us feeling empty and off center. When things go from crisis-mode to maintenance, its not always easy to shift gears back into production. Fortunately for you, you are closer than you think! A great coach will help you figure out when your next steps can be. They will help you create that amazing life you’ve been dreaming about and support you through exciting elements that may a little scary but in the most wonderful way

6. You’re not feeling up to par “Something Terrible happened

Life is not always kind. Loved ones pass away, relationships end in heart-break, healthy people succumb to illness, jobs are lost…. It can just really stink sometimes. I am so sorry if this is you. Having a strong support system is so important when life takes a turn. It’s not always easy to turn to friends in these

situations and having someone who allows it to be “all about you” by offering you their undivided attention and compassion allows you to process in a confidential and safe place. There are no shortcuts through the grieving process, but a good coach can help you find the path back to living happily and lighten the sadness and despair.

Ultimately, you are embarking on a life-changing experience if you are open-minded and willing to try new things. A coach will improve your self-awareness, help you stay focused, and access your greatest talents while keeping you motivated to go the distance. You might be able to do this on your own if you are super-disciplined and ambitious, but you can do it so much quicker with motivation and accountability behind you.

If you’re still not sure if coaching is right for you, take our quiz, it’s under a minute!

How a Life Coach Helped Me Get “Unstuck” (and why I became one myself)

Career & Business, Health & Wellness, Life Coach Library, Personal Growth & Spirituality, Recovery, Relationships & Family
how I got unstuck with a life coach

Anyone can get stuck in life.

This is my personal story of getting “unstuck” so that I could take my life from “good” to “great”.

I was a rebellious teenager. Very rebellious. To say my childhood was not idyllic is understated, but seriously, who’s really was? No long or dramatic stories here, but by the age of 20, I couldn’t stand myself or my life and ended up in a recovery group for alcoholism and drug addiction. Trust me when I say I didn’t get there a minute too soon. Getting sober saved my life: physically; mentally; emotionally; and spiritually.

To paint a picture:

I was 20, working in a bar (underage with fake identification) , my best “friend” was a 45 year old junkie with a criminal record as long as my arm. I weighed 205 pounds, smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day and couldn’t make a sentence without using “F — -“as the noun, verb, AND adjective. Lovely right? (not).

That was over 30 years ago.

I have been a personal-growth zealot ever since. The first several years were rough. I had much soul searching to do. The only thing I had to change was everything. Pain motived me to become feverous about turning a troubled life into a sane and purposeful one. I worked (several) 12-step programs. I went to therapy for years. I read every self-help book I could get my hands on. I helped others. I prayed. I meditated. I did yoga. I ate veggies…I did whatever I could grasp. Life got so much better. Unbelievably better in every way.

The new picture:

I lost over 40lbs, quit smoking, and upgraded my circle of friends, I could even get through a whole day without dropping an F-bomb (most days 😉). I am the first and only female in my family to get a 4 year college degree (and then go beyond), I’ve traveled much of the world, married the man of my dreams, (better still, the man of my dreams married me) and in my early 40’s, had practically checked off every box on my bucket list!! (I do have a new one though 😊) All gifts of grace.

That list is mostly “outside” stuff that came as a result of the “inside” work I had done. I had worked hard to gain self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-respect; I had healed old wounds from the past; I had successfully turned around what could have been a total disaster of a life.

Life was good. But something was missing….

Part of the problem was that life was good. I didn’t want “good”. I wanted “great”. I had come too far to settle and rest at good, but I had no idea how to move forward and I had no I idea why I couldn’t figure it out.

I went back to therapy because that was in my comfort zone. I had been doing it off and on for years. I have nothing but respect for the mental health profession but creature of habit that I am, I went even when it just wasn’t working anymore because it was what I knew, and it was safe.

Why wasn’t it working? Because I wasn’t trying to heal anymore; I was done being pissed at my parents and not a stone from childhood left unturned; I was in touch with my feelings. I just wasn’t getting much out of it anymore. I had done so much therapy that there were times I felt like I was coaching the therapist and they should give me the co-pay. Seriously.

Therapy was good when I felt like I was drowning and couldn’t even get my head above water. However, I felt like I’ve been floating for years and I wanted to learn how to swim. Intuitively I knew how, I just needed someone to (gently) push me off the float.

I had a lot of practice going bad to good, but I simply sucked at going from good to great. Damn it! I had to try something different because I didn’t want to just “exist”, and I was determined to breakthrough this invisible barrier and thrive.

Fortunately, I found a way out.

Life Coaching picks up where therapy leaves off…

I had considered working with a life-coach years prior but to be completely honest, I could not justify spending money on something that in my mind, may not work. Therapy wasn’t exactly working anymore, but insurance paid for it. Now, let’s be clear, I would easily drop a few hundred bucks on a shopping spree for things that I didn’t really need but would bring me about 48 seconds of glee. I did have a problem investing in myself. Ironically, that thought process itself was part of the problem.

So, I was skeptical and even cynical, but I convinced myself was if it didn’t help, the worst case was I got a few less massages or ridiculous shopping sprees. That is what it took for me to take the first steps and what has become one of the most positive and life-changing experiences I have ever had. I consulted with two coaches and I found one I intuitively knew was the right one for me.

I learned at the core of my “stuck-ness” was old faulty and limiting beliefs. Ones that I had no clue I even had. So deeply embedded in my thinking they weren’t even conscious. Until, with my coach, I slowed down. Way down. None of these ran in my “conscious” but like peeling layers off an onion, when we explored what was behind the conscious thinking, there were some pretty damning beliefs about myself and the world running behind the scenes.

I’ll share a few of them with you here:

Old Beliefs about my self-worth:

I’m a good wife/daughter/sister/friend when I DO things for people.

I need to excel at something simply to measure up. If I was the same, I was less than, if I was better, I was ok. I never believed (really believed) like I was good enough at anything.

Confident people are so cocky and arrogant. Having true self-confidence will mean I am conceited.

Old Beliefs about money:

People who are rich are selfish and greedy. Translation: If I have a lot of money, it will mean I’m selfish and greedy.

Spiritually and money cannot exist together.

Spending money on my well-being was a waste because there was no instant or tangible return. (cliché as it is, the old “I’m not worth it” belief)

Old Beliefs about taking risks to fulfill my dreams:

What I dreamed of was not rational but lofty and whimsical, therefore childish.

I don’t have a Ph.D. so no one will take me seriously.

It’s better to have the security of a job that I’m barely content with than be vulnerable to try what I truly am passionate about. * * (even in a situation where I do have a safety-net to catch me if I fall).

These are just a few, the list was much, much longer and deeper than this.

Coaching offered a practical, solutions-oriented approach to overcoming them. Were there moments that related back to my past? Yes. Where there new self-awareness’s that brought on painful moments? Yup.

The difference was that I quickly learned how to weed-out these thoughts without dwelling in them or their roots all over again. There was just old programming that needed to shift but it did not involve reliving it. Simply observing experiences with adult eyes and deciding the message was either never true, or true once but no longer serves.

In 12 weeks, the change was profound. Like, 5 years of therapy profound. It was almost like being lost in the forest, wandering in circles for hours but not realizing, a quarter mile in the right direction will take you straight to a road.

Worth every cent. Exponentially worth every cent.

Finally, really happy and really unstuck. Finally living my dreams. Life just keeps getting better every day. It’s not all rainbows and roses but I have found a true sense of wholeness and happiness. I know what I am truly passionate about and have a deep sense of purpose.

Instead of reacting to the world doing what I believe it expects of me, I consciously and deliberately create the life I want; doing what is true to me and as a result I feel energized. I feel enthused. I feel grateful and I truly look forward to whatever adventure or challenge life has for me.

I continue to use those same strategies in my daily life and to help others to find what works for them.

Sadly, I think many people live their whole lives, cradle to grave, never knowing their true calling and purpose. Afraid or simply “content”. Content is good but when you know great exists and you can create it, why settle?

If any of this resonates with you and you think you’d like to work with a life-coach to reach any of your goals, it’s simple to find one here at Life Coach Library. By registering and filling out a short questionnaire you will be matched with up to 3 coaches and then can see for yourself how amazing working with a coach is. Give it a try, it’s risk-free.

If you’re still sure if coaching is for you, take our quiz, it’s under a minute!

Author | WENDY COPE, Personal Growth Coach www.healthytothecore.net

About:

My story is told above. The profound transformation I experienced triggered a deep passion and desire to help others. Anyone can get “stuck” at some time in their lives. I work with people of all walks of life although my area of expertise is the recovery community. Helping people get “un-stuck” brings me deep satisfaction. I felt inspired to create a platform that serves both coaches and clients and that’s how Life Coach Library evolved. Educating people and getting the message to them that they CAN reach their goals while providing a practical means for great coaches to grow their business is what Life Coach Library is all about.

Education: I completed my coaching certification at Coach Training Alliance. I hold a bachelor’s degree from Hawaii Pacific University in Justice Administration and have 25 graduate level credits in professional counseling. Later in my career, I completed a career switcher program and hold a professional teacher’s license in Virginia and Delaware. Additionally, I am a certified hypnotherapist and reiki master. I am committed to personal-growth and life-long learning.

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