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Reignite Some Passion in Your Love Life!

Personal Growth & Spirituality, Relationships & Family
choose love

Forget your New Year’s resolution (chances are you have already).   How about merely deciding and committing to set and reach your goals?  With cupid flying around why not set some relationship goals?

2020 is well underway, and at best, a few of you are on track to reach your resolutions.   Some of you are re-negotiating your plan of action, but a large percentage of you are having trouble remembering what that resolution even was. 

Whatever your goal is or was, chances are you’re “why” comes down to LOVE.  Whether it is self-love, love for your significant other, or you would just love to find someone to love, Valentine’s day is right around the corner, and it seems to be all anyone is talking about.

Human beings are designed to be social creatures, yet navigating healthy human relationships remains one of the most complex and challenging tasks in life (Leon F. Seltlzer, PhD).  

Why are healthy relationships so important?

We all need healthy and loving relationships to function properly in life. Poor connections can bring us down and have an impact on our career, social life, and even our health.

More than that, if you are serious about your partner, if you love them and if you want to spend the rest of your life with them, maybe your most important goal for this year should be to work on building a healthy relationship with them.  It’s easy to get complacent in any area of life, and relationships certainly are no exception. 

Ignite romantic passion in your life!  It will take some planning and effort; it is so worth it in the end.  

Go on Fun Date Nights: 

You NEED to have confirmed date nights with your partner. Remember when you first started dating?  The excitement of getting ready and the anticipation of seeing each other was exhilarating.  It’s easy to get caught up in the tasks of daily living and forget just to play together.   Dinner and movies are great, but I’m willing to bet if you’ve been on enough of these dates that there is no excitement or novelty left in them.  Are you the romantic type?  Trade the restaurant for a tour of a vineyard or winery.  Many offer samples that will help get your romantic juices flowing 😊 If weather permits, go on a picnic.  If it doesn’t, pack a picnic anyway and have one indoors.   Finger foods that you can feed each other and creatively make and clean messes with are great for this.  

For the more adventurous type: Go to an amusement park or try simulated skydiving.  If you’re really adventurous, do the real thing!   

Take a walk down memory lane together, remembering the things about each other you were first attracted to.   Try a couples’ massages or take turns giving to each other.    Whatever you do, just make sure to do something both of you enjoy!  It can even be something as simple as cooking a nice meal together or going to the mall for an evening. Whatever works best for both of you!

Change up your sex life!

Remember the hot, steamy times you spent with one another when you first met? You couldn’t get enough of each other.  It seemed like things would never get boring – but then you get too familiar, life gets busy, and next thing you know, you’re scheduling it on your calendar, hoping your calendars are in sync. And then it is as predictable as a multiple-choice quiz with a, b, or c as the only possibilities. Don’t be that couple. Good sex is the best way to maintain a connection with your partner.

The best way to reignite the fire is to focus on your partner and ensure you can meet all their desires. When is the last time you opened up to one another to talk about what you’d like to want to experience?   Keep an open mind.   Dozens of legitimate websites can offer creative ideas and do a much better job of it than I can here.  I urge you to keep an open mind, not to be judgmental, and explore each other’s desires and fantasies. The goal is to explore and connect with your partner again.

Thank one another:

Gratitude increases happiness and improves relationships (Read: Gratitude for Happiness). All relationships come to a stage where we get comfortable with one another – possibly too comfortable. The little things we did for each other in the beginning get taken for granted, and we either stop doing them altogether or come to accept it as part of the relationship.

Start thanking your partner. Maybe they did something grand like take you on holiday, or simple like preparing a nice meal. Perhaps they let you choose the movie or they were just patient and listened to you rant about a crappy day at work.   Thank them for both the things that they do and being the person that they are.  Never take the relationship for granted.  Saying thank you for something simple shows is sometimes more meaningful than the bigger and more obvious things.   

Start appreciating the little things you will immediately see a positive reaction!

Never stop trying to be a better you:

Work on eliminating one bad habit. We all have pet peeves and so does your partner! 

No one is perfect, and we all have bad habits that someone else finds annoying. If you have been in a long-term relationship, you will find a lot of things downright irritating in the other person!

The problem is, we take our partners for granted and don’t even think about working on ending some of our bad habits they don’t like. The mantra ‘they should accept us for who we are’ has gone too far nowadays. There’s a difference between changing something about yourself because you want them to love you and doing it because you love them.   When you love someone, you want to put some work into this relationship.

Do you drive her nuts by leaving the toilet seat up?   Make a conscious effort to put it down.  Put a post-it note on the wall if it helps.

Do you drive him nuts by talking his ear off as soon as he gets home?   Please take a few breaths and let him relax in whatever way he likes to most.

Some habits can be changed easily, others not so fast.  For the tougher ones, even small steps that show respect for your partners’ wishes will send a strong message.

They will notice the effort you put in, and you will love the compliments!

Imagine if you can completely transform your relationship and have something money alone can never buy? A New Year’s goal of having a healthy relationship might be challenging, but it will be the most rewarding as well.

What is Real Intimacy to You?

Ready to take all of your relationships to the next level and improve your professional, romantic, and social life?   Try working with a relationship coachLife Coach Library makes it convenient and risk- free to experience life-coaching!   

It’s Time to Spring Clean Your Negative Self-Talk!

Personal Growth & Spirituality

It’s true we all experience negativity in our lives. One day you’re in a great mood until you talk to that one friend or family member that always manages to bring you down. They may have been well intentioned, but they were just so negative it was an energy-suck. You may have even been that person a time or two, possibly thinking you were being helpful or cautious.

The average human has about 48 thoughts per minute. Only 6-8 of them are conscious and the other 40 or so are running in the background, in our subconscious. That means that almost 80% of your reaction to the world is literally on auto-pilot.

What’s even more alarming is that psychologists say on average 70% of unconscious thoughts are negative or limiting. YIKES! If you’ve ever wondered why you’re just not that happy or feeling stuck, read on….

Here are a few of the most common automatic negative thoughts (ANTS):

1. All or nothing thinking: Everything is black or white. Think of the words always and never. “I always mess things up “ “I never get what I want”. “I never do anything right”, “Nothing is ever good enough” “It’ll never work out”

2. Catastrophic thinking: Fixating on the worst-case scenario. “If I fail, I’ll never recover, and life will be ruined.”

3. Emotional Reasoning and/or Mind Reading: You are so sure of an outcome you actually create it. “I know she won’t go out with so I won’t even talk to her” or “I know he’s mad at me so I just ignored him”.

4. Should-ing on oneself: Feeling guilty or trying to live up to others values. “I should lose weight” “I should have studied more”. While seemingly harmless, should-ing on oneself is based in guilt or shame and keeps us stuck in a cycle of fear. It is not the same as “I want to lose weight” or “Now I’m going to study more seriously”.

5. Labeling: I’m “lazy, stupid, a terrible cook, cheap”.

6. Blaming others: Chronically being the victim; “I would have been ok if you didn’t…” “I am trying but everyone else is…” “This place is just so…”

These are just some of the biggies, but there are countless more. Any inner-talk that is telling you why you can’t do something is a limiting belief or ANT. Not ALL negative thoughts are bad. Some of them keep us safe. The key is to understand which ones are working for you and which ones are not.

The good news is, that once you understand your limiting beliefs, you don’t have to allow this negativity to rule your life! We all have a choice to either run on auto-pilot or consciously choose to boost positive thinking. The question is, do you have a true desire and willingness to look inside to improve yourself?

Have you noticed how much more energizing it is to be around positive people than negative? Negative people leave you feeling tired and depleted. Positive thinking not only feels better emotionally, it creates endorphins in the brain that make you feel better physically and open you up for bigger possibilities and creativity. Building confidence and self-esteem.

You can turn the negative thoughts that no longer serve you into positive ones that do! And, changing the way you think will change your life! Here is a practical approach to practice:

1. Awareness is the stepping stone: You can’t change anything until you know what it is you want to change. Practice thought awareness. One way to start is to pay attention to your body’s cues. How do you breathe when you have certain thoughts? What thoughts make you feel anxious? Laugh? If you want something badly, and the first thoughts you have feel depressing or give you a feeling of angst PAY ATTENTION. They are likely limiting beliefs and probably distorted lies! Listen to the “inner-voice” that is telling you why something isn’t possible. Try and figure out who is telling you that your idea isn’t good. Is it you? A friend or family member? Maybe a teacher or boss?

Try journaling. Writing down your thoughts without judgement is a great way to go deeper into them. Often when we uncover one thought we become aware of two or three more that are running behind it. Try this until you feel sure you have gotten to the “core” of the belief. This may be going back years in your life. Our childhood experiences dramatically shape our world view. What served us as children may not necessarily work for us as adults.

2. Is it really true? Does it always (or never) happen this way? Really? If it was true in the past, is it really still relevant? Who or what situations have defied this lie?

3. Consciously choose a better thought. You do have a choice. Decide on a moment-to-moment basis that you are going to stay aligned with happy and cheerful thoughts. This works better when you state them positively. Don’t tell yourself what you’re not going to do (for example: “I will not overeat”). Even if the intention is positive,

it is still a “negative” thought. State this in a positive manner, like “I only eat until I am satisfied”. Believe it or not, thinking positively will create pleasure hormones in your brain which will make you feel happier.

4. Fill up with positive, motivational and inspirational messages and people. There are a bunch of ways to do this: daily affirmations; videos; pod casts; blogs; my personal favorite is guided meditations. Focus on positive thoughts and your mind will begin to recognize and eject the negative ones easily. Surround yourself with positive people and you will naturally become more upbeat.

5. Make a conscious effort to notice how much better positive feels. There is a real domino effect that is going to take place either way. If you stay negative, you will continue to feel more and more negative. When you begin to think positively, you will create more positive situations in your life which will leave you feeling and thinking more positive again.

6. With practice, most people begin to have awareness of the underlying core issues that drive limiting beliefs. It is common to realize our negative and limiting thoughts are rooted in something deeper than the surface. Don’t be afraid of it, it is only a thought. If it feels overwhelming or you just want to connect with someone who is highly charged and positive, life-coaches are trained and experienced at helping people uncover the root causes of limiting beliefs and overcoming them.

7. If you can, minimize negative or toxic relationships – None of us need people in our lives who chronically make us feel bad about ourselves. Sometimes we can step away from them, but other times we can’t. Do your best to detach both physically and emotionally whenever possible. If you can’t remove yourself from negativity you still don’t have to let it drag you down. Try to focus on something that brings you joy.

8. Be true to yourself. We can’t make everyone happy all the time and sometimes we just have to say no. It can be hard, but it is better to say no than to lose yourself and end up resentful.

These are just a few practical suggestions that can help you lose the negative self-talk and replace it with positive thoughts. It is time to say good-bye to limiting beliefs and say hello to empowering thoughts that will enable you to feel truly happy and achieve your dreams! If you have a personal favorite strategy you’d like please share it below or email me directly at wcope@lifecoachlibrary.com.

By Wendy J. Cope – Recovery & Positive-Change Coach

About the author:

I was a rebellious teenager and at the age of 20 found myself in a recovery program for drug and alcohol addiction. That was 30 years ago and I have been passionate about the pursuit of personal-growth ever since. At one point in my recovery I felt really “stuck” and needed to do something different. That was my first encounter with coaching. I completed a 12-week program and the changes I experienced were profound. Like more than 5 years of therapy profound.

I felt inspired to become a Positive-Change Coach and later to create a platform that serves both coaches and clients. Hence, I created Life Coach Library. Educating people and getting the message to them that they CAN reach their goals while providing a practical means for great coaches to grow their businesses is what Life Coach Library is all about.

Education:

I hold a bachelor’s degree from Hawaii Pacific University in Justice Administration and I’m currently pursuing a graduate degree in professional counseling from Walden University. Later in my career, I completed a career switcher program and hold a professional teacher’s license in Virginia and Delaware. Additionally, I am a certified hypnotherapist and Reiki master. I completed my coach certification at Coach Training Alliance and I am committed to personal-growth and life-long learning .

Merry Christmas!

Personal Growth & Spirituality

For my December blog I thought I’d write some helpful tips to stay sane through the holidays. However, two days ago, I was at the grocery store. I was third in line in the express checkout lane. While waiting, I notice three different magazines with articles on managing stress during the holidays. I pick up one and skim over it. If I’m honest, I can’t add a whole lot to it. Still third in line in the express lane. I pick up another, and again, it steals my thunder even though I believe I could make it funnier 😊

Now, second in line in the express lane, I pick up the third one. I don’t know what it said really because the cashier is having a social conversation with the person in front of me (deep sigh) and I am suddenly fixated on why the heck the express lane is taking so bloody long. I start to feel annoyed and impatient. My heart beats faster and the thoughts in my head aren’t exactly “Merry Christmas and Good Will to all”. I just skimmed three articles on surviving the holidays yet here I am growing tense and annoyed because I am not getting through the express lane fast enough? Hmm…that starts to sink in.

(deep breath) I have come to believe that we really do have a choice in how we feel. It starts with how we think. I know from experience that I have about a ½ second window between thinking and feeling to decide if I’m going to spiral down in negativity or consciously turn in a positive direction. For simplicity, let’s say that all feelings can be grouped as68

either positive or negative; pretty easy to grasp, right? Good. Now, what if all I said that all positive feelings are rooted in LOVE and all negative feelings are rooted in FEAR and in the end, those are the only two feelings there are. LOVE and FEAR. Every feeling we have roots in one of those two. I read once that love only exists in the light (I prefer to say God) and fear lives in the dark; darkness cannot exist where there is light, and fear cannot exist when there is love. A slice of darkness cannot destroy light, but shine a light and darkness disappears. Love easily destroys fear.

So ‘tis the season when everything is supposed to be all happy and joyous and from a place of LOVE. What happens if it just isn’t? There are so many scenarios that a person may not be feeling all love all the time. Sometimes, fear just creeps in and negative feelings come up; it’s part of the human condition. While we can’t always stop it (fear) from creeping on us, we can empower ourselves to change our thinking and therefore change how we feel (which will change the way we act and that shapes our realities).

Back to being third in line in the express lane and it’s taking much longer than expected. Maybe you’ve skimmed three articles and now the cashier is chatting it up with someone. If you’re like me, there’s a ½ second window to choose between:

“this is the longest express line in the history of the world and I can’t believe she’s just chatting it up…can’t she see me waiting…groan, sigh.”. Heartbeat races, nerves feel prickly, head gets busy. And then there’s the domino effect…leave the store and feel annoyed at the bells the Salvation Army volunteer rings, exasperation at all the people and traffic in parking lot, get home and the damn dog is spazzing out just because someone’s home….you get it.

OR

“It’s kind of sweet to see the connection between these two people and the quaintness of this area. I not really in a hurry to get home to……to fold laundry.” Heart stops racing, nerves calm down, head stays in the here and now. And then there’s the domino effect…leave the store and the bells from the Salvation Army volunteer sound festive and bring a wave of gratitude, there’s a sense of excitement seeing the people scurrying in the parking lot, I get home and feel blessed to have 80 pounds of puppy love jumping for joy that her humans are home…you get it.

It really is that simple. We choose how we feel, and the only two feelings to choose from are LOVE or FEAR which live in either light or darkness.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a 2019 full of love!

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