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Are You a Victim or a Creator?

Health & Wellness, Personal Growth & Spirituality
live your best life

By Sophie Fuzi, Holistic Life Coach

There are two significant mindsets that we build our worldview on: We are either The Victim or The Creator

Since childhood, my passion was to have self-awareness and how life shaped me and also to talk to people from all walks of life to learn about their thoughts, motivations, desires, and fears so that I could see how experiences changed them.  The more people I talked to and the more I learned about them, it became evident that the main difference between someone who turns their dreams into reality and people who are stuck with their life is their attitude.   How people interpret the events of their life becomes their beliefs, and their beliefs are what determine if they will live their dreams or not. 

How do victims see the world?

how to overcome victim mentalitly

The Victims believe that they are the sufferer of their circumstances and do not have the power to bring about a change in their world. When it comes to their problems,  they blame politicians, family, country, the media, or anything outside of them.   They are unhappy with their lives, but it is someone or something else’s fault.  The truth is they are happy to feed on others’ attention as they complain, and they feel comfortable to stick to this stage.  Blaming others is easy and requires no effort.

How do creators see the world?

law of creation

 The Creators, on the other hand, understand that, to a large degree, they are in control of their lives.  They don’t blame others for their shortcomings or wallow in self-pity when things don’t go their way.  They   analyse and observe their difficulties from all angles and are willing to change their perspective and behaviours  to get closer to success.

 The Creators don’t get stuck by taking everything personally,  they can detach themselves from the level of ego and, through their continuous observations grow their understanding of the connectedness of life on a deeper level with their experience. 

Why is perspective so important?

 The reason why I place this as the most important lesson that I have learned in life is that: The quality of our lives depends on which of these two positions we take most.

Victims often find themselves in a pattern where every day feels the same, and life seems to be passing them by.   Time goes by, and they feel like nothing has been accomplished or achieved.  They have excuse after excuse but not one legitimate reason.   

On the other hand,  the Creators choose to be proactive.  They learn to take the lead of their life and “sail their own boat” in the direction they want to explore.    Therefore they are full of experiences that fulfill their desires at that moment in time.

How can you become a creator in your life

What is the key element to step into the Creator mindset? To mature and take responsibility for one’s decisions and the consequences that come with them. It is not always easy to take responsibility but that is the difference between the victim and the creator. 

Believe that your life is created by the decisions you make.

Sometimes the smallest choice that we pick out of the many creates the biggest effect on our life: For no reason, you decide to take a different route to work, which creates a whole different path for the day.  If you took your normal road, you could have been a fatal accident, but since you didn’t, you arrive safely.

Many people talk about listening to their intuition, and it somehow saved their life or created for some amazing circumstances which never would have happened otherwise. The opposite can also happen when a  seemingly small choice leads to misfortune.

These types of choices are not the ones we actively have control of.  They are a matter of the ‘laws of nature’ or fate.  

Our habits, the decisions we make every day are the ones that shape our reality.  When we continuously eat more calories than we use up, it is almost sure that we will gain weight over time. If we put effort into learning something new, this skill will evolve and grow over time. If we drive recklessly, we have an increased chance of getting into legal troubles,  having an accident, killing someone else, or dying ourselves.  

Regardless of what we choose in our daily life, we shape our world. Each decision adds to our future, whether it’s going to blossom with new opportunities or feeling beat up by life, becoming tired and moody.

So how do you know how to make tough decisions?

  • Use your common sense!

There are so many outcomes that you can predict if you look at your choices by adding your common sense to it! We dislike using that part of our sensibility because many times, it goes against our desires, and we ‘want to control an outcome’ so we overlook logic and reason and focus on emotion.

  • You can’t fill an inner void with outer things.

The ego runs in a continuous loop that keeps telling us we need things (outside of us) to finally become happy/successful/content/etc… but it never seems to last very long. So we keep creating cycles when we run after stuff/goals to achieve to make ourselves feel good within ourselves because we aren’t present with ourselves and grateful at this present moment. When it is the case, we can never succeed the way we want to because the only thing how we can fill our internal void is to turn to ourselves.

  • Use your intuition!

Trust yourself.  When you have an intense sensation within you about what you should choose to do it is usually in alignment with the deepest parts of you.  This will create positive changes in your life in the long term. Sometimes what we sense on this level seems illogical but somehow, these deep internal suggestions connect us with those events we wish to experience.  

  • Understand what you want and why you want it!

Sounds very obvious, and still, many of us can only articulate what we do not wish to have and experience in our world. Only when we know what we want and what it means to us, we can choose the choices that take us closer to get there.

No wind supports a sailor who doesn’t know where he wants to go or only knows where he does not want to end up.

It is not what you find in life, but what you make out of it what matters!

I have heard once that the best chef is one who can make a tasty dish out of the ingredients he finds at home. I agree, and I love to apply this method in my world. We like to believe what we have is not enough to create something amazing, so we keep looking outside. But the thing is that all of us already have enough to create something extraordinary! I believe that bringing the best out of what we already have is the attitude that can serve us best in the world to keep ourselves not only grateful but also inventive and open-minded when it is about new elements that come to our world.

It is easy to get lost in the options that are in front of us if we have no idea what are the things that really “float your boat” or what “crumbles your cookies.”  We all have heard stories about lottery winners who found themselves miserable, or talented people who wasted their life getting sucked into addictions, or people who have incredible luck and opportunity but were too damn afraid to take it.  

“Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, on things they don’t need, to impress people they don’t like”  Will Rogers

 

Because no amount of money can help a person to become truly happy if they can’t connect with others, or have low self-esteem, or no real sense of purpose to live an authentic life.  For this person, money is only lending them an illusion that is attractive to others, but it is a temporary fix to a deeper, permanent problem.

Money can be wonderful; the difference is that a truly happy person does not connect their self-worth or their deep fulfillment to the money or material things.  A balanced person relies on his personal skills and capacities as a priority to create their life and can creatively make use of the elements that are in his surroundings. They do not get scared if he needs a doorstop but doesn’t have one; instead, they look around and find something that will serve the purpose and continues the project.

In short, when we know what we are doing and why we are doing it, the world provides us an easy way to fulfill our desires. All we need to do is to open our senses and notice them!

 ‘How  can you be fully in peace with who you are at this moment in time?’

There is no better question to ask when turning from victim to creator. 

learn the art of self love

It all boils down to self-acceptance.   This isn’t the kind of self-acceptance you proclaim to your therapist when they ask you, ‘Do you love yourself?’.  In which case, of course, you say ‘Yes!’.

By true self-acceptance, I mean when your heart is fully involved, and you have no lumps and bumps regarding this question on the level of feelings and sensation.

Self-love is not a face-mask with a never-ending smile or a continuous can-do attitude.

 It is the deep and peaceful inhalation and exhalation about our existence. 

It is having an awareness of our strengths and weaknesses with knowing that everything is as it should be here and now while experiencing inner-peace.

                The real self-acceptance is very difficult because

  1. We were conditioned to believe that we must act in specific ways to have the acceptance/love/care of others.
  2. We continuously compare ourselves to the standards set by the world, forgetting that we see only the best of others and compare it to the worst of ourselves.

Read: Looking at Life Through a Lens of Self-Love

The person who embraces themselves ignores the opinions of the world and listens and acts to their inner voice. They are aware there may be negativity, but they do not let that negativity determine their dreams and desires. They do not act according to other’s standards or view themselves through other’s lenses.  Their state of being comes from their heart over their head, and they feel connected to their core and authentic being.  

How does low self-acceptance influence your decisions?

Here are two examples:

overcome limiting beliefs

Beliefs:

  • When you have a negative and unrealistic image about yourself, it affects your decisions. For instance, you wish you could learn to dance, but you are shy because you think that your moves are gawky, so you talk yourself out of taking lessons.  

Feelings:

  • When you have low self-esteem, it is tough to let go of a relationship that does not give you value any longer.  Why? First, you are likely feeding off each others’ energy, and you are scared to be alone. 
  • In healthy relationships, you stay because you WANT to be there and not because you NEED to be, or are afraid to not be.  
how to achieve goals

Your interpretation of life events:

People with low self-acceptance tend to project their insecurities in their body language, speech patterns, and social skills.   Everything they hear, see, and experience must pass through a “negative” filter and ends up being interpreted in a negative way that will mirror the same negative feelings that they have.  

With healthy esteem, they see the world for what it is.  They can observe events without internalizing them or taking them personally and emotionally.   They learn from things that go awry and revise their strategy to adapt to reality.  

The state of our self-acceptance is within all of our actions/reactions and determines how we act.  We can choose to settle for less than what we dream of OR we can dare to go for it and allow ourselves to enjoy our world by living true to ourselves.   This is much better than choosing to never measure up to other’s standards and go through life with the weight of the world placed on our back.

Embracing yourself fully from your heart is the entrance for creating a quality life for yourself where you enjoy your creations. No work for this is a waste of time!

learn to laugh at yourself

Oh, and one last thing…..

Don’t forget to laugh!

Becoming an adult is not easy and being one isn’t either!

With several responsibilities such as family, work, friends, etc… on our shoulders, it is easy to get stuck in a rut.  Don’t let life become a heavy burden.  Remember to have fun and enjoy the experience.   Be a creator, but don’t forget to enjoy the silly little ways of life that are non-sense and holds no weight in their results. 

Blow soap-bubbles with your kids, or make up funny stories with them and laugh together! Go to a comedy show, or watch a movie that makes you laugh with your partner, then talk gibberish while you tickle them in the bed!

Most importantly, don’t take yourself too seriously.   Remember to laugh at anything, especially at yourself sometimes! The world will keep spinning, no matter what.

About Sophie Fuzi, Holistic Life Coach

From Hungary, ‘Be Real! Life Coaching’ has been her dream her whole life. Always interested in learning how people make sense of the world and form their adult perspectives, she believes the key to true happiness lies in fully accepting oneself exactly as they are. 

Book Recommendations

atomic habits
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Whole Again
Toxic relationships leave scars. This book shows how to work through these symptoms and find love on the other side.

Signs that you might need an emotional detox

Health & Wellness
signs you may need an emotional deetox

What is an emotional detox?

The word ‘Detox‘ often refers to “a process or period of time in which one abstains from or rids the body of toxic or unhealthy substances.” Upon hearing the word we tend to jump to the usual suspects of drugs, alcohol, caffeine or nicotine. We may even assume it relates to the latest ‘dieting’ fad but rarely do we think of our emotions and mental health in need of detoxification.

An emotional detox refers to a mindful practice wherein we take the time to process unresolved emotions, thoughts, and trauma which have been left to go stale. Much like food which has been left to rot, our long overdue traumas and emotions can make us very ill But instead of chucking it all in the bin and starting over, emotional detoxing encourages us to properly and fully work with that which is causing us harm. We’re aiming to work through our troubles rather than shoving them to the side and labeling them as ‘do not open.Ever.’

How do I know if I need an emotional detox?

Are you afraid to say the word ‘no’ ? Maybe you’re constantly trying to fix other people’s problems? Do you often put the needs of others before your own? And, finally, are you a chronic overthinker who loses sleep over the smallest of things?

If you answered yes to any or all of the above then you’ll benefit greatly from an emotional detox.

There are various mental and physical symptoms to consider when thinking about emotional detox. You don’t have to wait until you experience any of these to start your detox, instead you should act quickly and often in order to avoid a build-up of negative emotions and trauma.

Watch out for the following:

Chronic headaches.

Often considered a sign of heightened stress levels (or the need for an eye appointment), frequent and uncomfortable headaches are a sure sign that you may need to emotionally detox. It goes hand in hand with reducing the levels of cortisol (stress hormone) in the blood which can trigger a variety of adverse reactions in the body.

If the headaches escalate to migraine level things can become debilitating, and you might find yourself on the couch or in a dark room for a number of days.

Frequent illness.

Do you often get colds and flus? Or maybe you suffer from constant stomach aches and cramps? Illness of any kind can be an indication that you need to slow down, listen to yourself and possibly detox from your emotional traumas. The odd niggle or stuffy nose here and there is normal, but if you’re getting sick every time you take a break from work or more often than the average person, then it might be time to dig deeper.

Of course it’s important to remember that illness can be a sign of many other issues. Our bodies react adversely to any major trauma and changes, so always get checked out if you’re concerned. Otherwise, an emotional detox won’t do you any harm!

Unexplained and frequent pain.

As discussed, please be aware that unexplained and frequent pain could be a sign of something much more sinister. If in doubt, get checked out! This could include anything from joint pain to the aforementioned headache.

Poor gut health.

The gut is notoriously known as the second brain. We tend to hold a lot of our stress, trauma and tension within this area, and it’s extremely sensitive to change. Some people are more sensitive than others, and you could find that your stomach tightens with the slightest hint of anxiety.

Even when experiencing no other symptoms I would deem ‘gut health’ worthy of treatment all by itself. At the first signs of gut changes, I ask myself to slow down and re-evaluate things lest I repeat the last ten years of a painfully unhealthy GI tract.

If you begin to experience unexplained cramps, changes in bowel habits, sensitivity to foods you were otherwise fine with or anything else untoward, I strongly advise speaking to your doctor. If nothing else is out of the ordinary then an emotional detox should be the first thing on your list (along with hot water bottles and various herbal teas).

Trouble getting to and staying asleep.

Being unable to get adequate sleep is not only a sign of night-time anxiety, but negatively impacts our mental and physical health. So, the less sleep we get the more troubled we feel, and the more troubled we feel, the less sleep we get. It’s a vicious cycle resulting in chronic sleep deprivation which in itself can be a very dangerous thing.

Sleep is essential. Without it you’ll not only suffer from a variety of mental and physical impacts, but you may even die.

While we sleep our body recovers from physical and mental strain. We go into a hyper relaxed state where our tendons, neurons, brain cells (etc) can all repair themselves in peace. So, it’s easy to see why it’s so important to our overall well being.

Persistent trouble getting to sleep, like many things, indicates a problem either mentally or physically. It could be a case of making your bedroom sleep friendly, or simply shutting off from electronics a few hours before sleeping. Even bedtime meditation or yoga could do the trick! If you’re a frequent worrier, try keeping a journal where you can write down all your nagging thoughts before bed? Work through the worry, ask yourself why you’re feeling like that, is it justified, is it rational and leave it in the book for another day.

** It’s important to acknowledge that there may come a time when you need pills, in which cause ONLY use them under the guidance of your medical professional. Never use illegally sourced sleeping medication as this could have fatal consequences. **

Weight changes.

Fluctuation in weight over a short period of time can be an indication of a problem either physically or mentally. You could have a suppressed appetite due to overwhelm, likewise you could also be eating more, both of which lead to weight changes. While many people admit to overeating due to anxiety and stress, there are others who find themselves unable to eat due to discomfort or lack of appetite. It’s important to spot the signs and take action to combat them.

If you’re stressed or dealing with unresolved emotional issues, take action to recognize and process accordingly. Don’t allow it to continue to fester and, most importantly, take back control over your eating habits. Your weight may never be 100% controllable, and rightfully so, but it goes without saying that a healthy body makes it easier to maintain our mental health.

**If you’ve suffered from an eating disorder in the past or if you’re in recovery, it’s important to speak to your GP as soon as possible to avoid complete relapse. I would argue and say this is more pressing than attempting an emotional detox. Instead, get professional help first and work on detoxing later.

There are also a variety of mental and behavioral signs that you’re in need of an emotional detox, including;
  • Easily distracted and unable to maintain focus.
  • Unable to retain information, accompanied by a poor short term memory.
  • Deep feelings of anxiety. Constantly worrying about everything no matter how small.
  • Frequently ignoring your gut feelings, or any difficult feelings in general.
  • Feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope on a daily basis.
  • Substance abuse and addiction.
  • Self-doubt, so much so that it hinders you from moving forward.
  • Feeling stuck and out of balance.
  • Chronic self-comparison which often leaves you feeling disheartened.
  • Unable to trust your own instincts and easily swayed by others
  • Breakdown of or poor personal relationships.

How to emotionally detox.

There are so many ways we can go about an emotional detox and, like many things, there is no one size fits all approach. It’s about finding what works, and I mean really works, for you. Google ‘How to do an emotional detox’ and you’ll come up with a variety of ways to get started. I’m going to discuss some techniques that have worked for me in the past and I strongly encourage you to find what works and create your own tailored approach.

  • Do Yoga (and maybe try some meditation).
  • Write or outwardly express your feelings in some way.
  • Practice affirmations and gratitude.
  • Step away from the screen!
  • Stop running from your feelings! Welcome them like guests, chat with them for a bit and then send them gently on their way.
  • Mind your gut.
  • Be aware of your stress levels and work on daily self-care to help reduce these.

There are many other ways you can take part in an emotional detox and, really, it’s a personal preference. What works for me may not work for you. Take time to get to know yourself and what makes you feel better in times of high stress. And if something doesn’t work for you the first-time round, remember that a lot of self-care skills require continued use in order to reap the full benefits.

You may like: Managing Depression During Covid-19 and Beyond

Isolation is also an emotional killer.   It’s not always easy to ask for help or make ourselves vulnerable to others.    However, being stuck inside our own head means we are using the exact same thinking to help ourselves that got us where we are.    Find a trusted mentor who will never judge you and always has your best interest at heart.   The new perspective can help you look at things in a way that can change your life. 

About the author

Nyxie’s Nook is a blog focusing on mental health awareness, eating disorder recovery, wellness, and self-development. The blog was started in March 2019 in a bid to raise awareness for mental illness such as Anorexia Nervosa and Anxiety, two such disorders I suffer from. However, what started out as a hobby, quickly turned into something much, much more! 

Nyxie’s Nook has become a place to talk about all mental health issues and the struggles that come along with recovery. I cover a variety of subjects ranging from general wellness right up to more specific recovery-related content. I not only aim to cater to those in recovery but to people in all walks of life.”

You can find my blog at: 

www.nyxiesnook.com

Additionally you can view my social media profiles at the following: 

Kind regards

Chloe. 

Making Goal Oriented Choices

Career & Business

Each day is a reminder that I am one step closer to my goals. Keeping that in mind helps me to stay on track with the choices I make.

It is easy to avoid over indulgence when I know I have financial goals. I remind myself that taking care of the important things now is paramount. I choose to celebrate after completing my outlined objectives.

The relationships I form today determine the kind of future support structure I have at my disposal. I am careful with my choice of friends. I want to surround myself with friends who have goals and aspired to achieve them.

When I find myself at a crossroad, I avoid making a choice based on my emotion of the moment. I realize how easy it is to be reactive when choosing by feelings. Instead, my choices are well contemplated.

Setting goals sometimes means sacrificing my comfort for the end result. I am content with tough decisions that yield an ideal outcome.

At this point in my life, I am happy to be a sound decision maker. My commitment to thinking things through with a focus on my goals is unwavering.

I have found that taking time to self-reflect helps me to make goal oriented choices.

Self-Reflection Questions:

  1. What person(s) can I seek help from when I have a tough choice to make?
  2. How do I know when a goal I set is likely unattainable in the desired timeframe?
  3. How long would I be able to sacrifice my comfort in pursuit of goals?

Life Coaching Works!

Clifford Aning
empowercoaching.us
clifford@empowercoaching.us

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